And we'd like to a take a few minutes out of our busy schedule of drinking and fucking to announce the hiring of our newest member of the SKULLGAME family, DAVE DIETRICH, whose tireless efforts to get and maintain an erection through a single act of sexual congress are nothing if not valorous. He will be in charge of Accounts Receivable. Thanks Dave and welcome on board.

DAVE SEARCHES TIRELESSLY FOR HIS GENERAL LEDGER SO THAT HE MIGHT PERHAPS GET THE JOB DONE BEFORE HAPPY HOUR BEGINS

COURTNEY LOVE A FAT FUCKING SHOTGUNNING SLUT WITH MILLIONS OF DOLLARS

"I AM FAT. AND FUCKING. AND SHOTGUNNING. AND A SLUT. WITH A MILLION DOLLARS. AND 'DRUG-FREE'. ONLY IN AMERICA!!!"

NEW YORK (SkullGame) -- "Reformed" "rocker" COURTNEY LOVE has lashed out at critics of her recent addiction to Ho Hos, Twinkies, Ding Dongs, and all and assorted manner of bon bons and vending machine snack foods, insisting she was only skinny before because of her inability to get any of those past the constant and continual presence of Negro cock in her mouth. The former Hole frontwoman is "finally" "sober" after years of "drug" "problems" and is happy with her bulbous figure, because it means she is now healthy, reports the New York Daily News. Well, as healthy as someone whose thighs are about to catch fire from friction can be.

Love says, "I was really, really thin because of what I was doing. Cock. Mostly cock."

Love alluded to teen Hollywood stars who are currently under scrutiny by the media over their increasingly gaunt appearance. She explains, "When all these little teenyboppers finally go into anti-cock rehab, they're going to get fat, too."

We can only hope.

PAMELA ANDERSON HAVING FORGOTTEN THAT SHE'S A SLUT, IS REMINDED IN A MOST DEFINITIVE FASHION

A BILLBOARD IN HARLEM FEATURING A HO WHO WILL GET NO CLOSER TO HARLEM THAN THIS BILLBOARD

POOLSIDE: TOPANGA CANYON (SkullGame) -- Actress and Dump & Run Extraordinaire PAMELA ANDERSON, forgetting that if she ain't talking about tits or slapping sausage between her gums ain't no one listening, has upped her efforts to improve the treatment of goddamned chickens by lending her face to a new billboard campaign calling for a boycott of fast food chain Kentucky Fried Chicken.

The billboards, which were created by People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA), and feature a snapshot of the former "Baywatch" star, is noteworthy more for the absence of rockstar pole in her hole in "stolen" video captures, than for any sort of feathered friend concern.

Underneath are the words "Live Scalding, Painful Debeaking, Crippled Chickens" and the address of a Web site attacking the fast food chain, www.kfccruelty.com/.

CONCERNED ABOUT CHICKENS AND OTHER EDIBLE MEATS PAMELA VOCALLY DEFENDS HER PRESENT EATING HABITS: "COCK: IT'S WHAT'S FOR BREAKFAST NOW!"

Non-sausage eating Sausage Eater and Vegetarian Anderson says in a prepared statement, "KFC stands for cruelty. Killing is for K. F is for Feathers. C is for I Told You So. If KFC executives treated ocelots or potato bugs the way they treat chickens, they could go to prison on felony cruelty-to-animals charges where they might be lucky enough to see videos of me getting fucked long and hard by the fag who used to sing for Poison."

SLEAZE TV'S PRODUCER LARRY COCK WEATHERS A CALL FROM SKULLGAME

ASSISTANT PRODUCERS CHECK THE USUABILITY OF ALL 12-INCH COCKS FOR REASONS PRESENTLY KNOWN ONLY TO LARRY COOK.

TORONTO (SkullGame) -- FORGET "American Idol" — a new reality show is coming your way by the name of "AMERICAN STRIPPER." The Toronto-based producers actually placed a classified ad in The Post and have already received hundreds of inquiries. In an exclusive interview motor-mouthed producer LARRY COOK tells us he has had calls from oddball aspirants including "a topless Santa Claus, twin transsexuals and a 'Mr. Long,' who claims to have a 12-inch penis, but doesn't normally use it as a rule."

"And we're branching out from here too. Next up is AMERICAN HOOKER. To be followed in short order with AMERICAN CRACK HO and the million dollar concept AMERICAN ANAL AMERASIAN."

When asked by our own VINNIE ROSE if his show will do anything other than lacquer over the stony dead face of modern civilization, Cook asked "Is it supposed to?"

Genius. Coming to your rec room this Fall.

SKULLGAME'S NEWEST IRREGULARLY OCCURRING FEATURE: ASK A GUY WHO HATES YOU

YEAH, THAT'S A GREAT SHIRT YOU'RE WEARING. ASSHOLE.

DEAR "GUY WHO HATES YOU": I don’t live in the city, so I often invite friends out to my house to spend the weekend. On a recent weekend, two of my friends who didn’t know each other, a girl and a guy, came up. Long story short, they hooked up and spent the rest of the weekend being touchy-feely. They’re both single, and I wasn’t interested in the girl or anything, but it still just really pissed me off. Any advice? --Guy in exile

DEAR PANTS CRAPPER: My advice to you, is: Blow the first guy you meet. That’s right. Homosexuality is a wonderful lifestyle full of easy work and high pay, we're told. But let's get back to you and the fact that you got some set of nuts even asking for someone to back your play on this one.

“Oh no, they were being touchy feely, they ignored little ol' me.” You got to be kidding me? Your problem is not the fact that you no longer live in the city, friend. Your problem is the fact that Midol is a party favor around your house. Now seriously, I don’t know whether you were cock blocking because you liked the guy or the girl, it's hard to tell by your email. But what I DO know, is that you are most assuredly a cock blocker at the very least and a player hater at the most, neither of which is suitable behavior for polite society.