Multimillionaire moppet and tortured teen sensation AVRIL LAVIGNE disturbed at the empty insignificance of having to count to a million several times over, losing count and then having to start all over again has, following in the footsteps of JENNIFER LOPEZ, ANNA KOURNIKOVA and UMA THURMAN, decided to revitalize a career eclipse by making a similar headlong leap into hardcore porn.
AXL AND AVRIL: WATCHING OUT FOR THE LITTLE GUY!!!
“Well when AXL ROSE approached me about doing BALL BUSTERS, I thought what a way to strike a blow against ‘The Man,’” said the angst-ridden rotor rooter after shoving ROSE’s (no relation) Viagra-turgid cock out from between her choppers.
“I can only hope that my protest move reaches into the hallowed halls of power in this country of shame,” said the outraged Canadian cooze, “and causes them to rethink the tax structure in a country that robs me of 40 percent of my earned income!”
GENTLEMAN, PLACE YOUR BETS
Pornsters JILL KELLY and COREY JORDAN Tying the Knot in a Marriage That’s Sure to End in Hateful Recriminations, Allegations of Drug Usage, and Finger Pointing; Gambling Touts Place Bets on Exactly When It Will All Turn to Shit
BEVERLY HILLS--AVN Hall of Famer JILL KELLYis hoping against every reasonable hope that the third time is the goddamned charm as she plans on making midget director COREY JORDAN her third husband later this month.
KELLY AND HER BRIDESBITCHES: TRUE LOVE, AGELESS AND EVER PINK
Jordan and Kelly, who have been romantically involved for a few months and believe this is more than enough time to establish a lasting, lifelong matrimonial connection, will tie the knot on September 20th in a sunset ceremony on a Hawaiian beach laden with hackneyed, overused romantic clichés.
Bob Friedland, Kelly’s business partner in Jill Kelly Productions, will give the bride away, while Jordan’s six-year-old son Gage from failed marriage number one will serve as a best man.
“Gage and Jill get along great,” Jordan said. “She has great mommy instincts and doesn’t beat him too hard or nothing. And that’s important.”
Jordan, in a meth and E-drenched haze, proposed to Kelly three weeks ago and the bride-to-be now sports a 1-carat diamond ring. This will be Jordan’s soon-to-be second failed marriage.
“You know when it's right. Because, well because, um. Because it’s right. Anyway, she’s the best person I’ve met in my life. I mean I’ve had a pretty fucked up life and so that doesn’t mean much but I’m, I’m, I’m so in love with her,” Jordan said, recapping his ever-present bottle of fortified wine. “I mean, she’s got a great pair of tits…. I mean, heart, and she’s gorgeous. I…I think she’s my soul mate,” he said, staring out into the slowly darkening distance. “No. No! I KNOW she is my soul mate. I hope. I mean she’s beautiful on the inside and outside. But especially on the outside”
Even though according to Jordan the marriage won’t affect either of their work. “My business of filming people fucking my wife is my business and her business of sucking and fucking people who I’ll be filming her fucking and sucking is her business.”
The couple plans a big reception in November to celebrate the wedding, which will be a small, private, grimly ironic affair.
The smart money gives it 11 months. Gentleman, place your bets.
ITALIAN SALVO:KOBE COUNTDOWN!!!
I AM GUILTY OF NOTHING BUT LOVING, NOT POORLY, BUT UNWISELY. AND IN THE ASS.
Eagle County Judge Fredrick Gannet ruled today that he would not allow video or still camera’s at KOBE BRYANT's hearing on September 9th, 2003. This hearing will determine whether or not there is enough evidence to hold Bryant over for trial, said Attorney IRON MICHAEL TYSONWITZ.
PRO TEM ATTORNEY-AT-LAW IRON MICHAEL TYSONWITZ AT PRESS CONFERENCE
When asked to comment suspected statutory rapist, amateur videographer and golden showerist R. Kelly said “ Mother Fuck!” and then started hitting on some "18-year-old" chick riding a bike.
YEAH, SHE'S 18. WHAT? WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU LAUGHING AT?!?!
Bryant, 25, is charged with sexually assaulting a 19-year-old woman on June 30th while staying at hotel where the scheming Ho and professional victim was employed. Bryant contends that the sex was consensual, to which legal counsel Iron Michael Tysonwitz said, “Goddamn right it was.”
