WELCOME TO THE INTERNATIONAL HO PROJECT (IHOP): CAN I TAKE YOUR ORDER?
GUESS WHO FUCKED HER THIS PAST WEEKEND? HERE'S A HINT: HIS NAME RHYMES WITH CORNHOLIO
ELLE MACPHERSON DEPRESSED? COULD WE EVEN GIVE A FUCK?
"Absolutely fucking not," says Potentate VINCENT ROSE, pushing away from his plate of scungili and waving off the bill in the direction of his dinner guest.
I'M NAKED, RICH AND SAD. WAIT. I'M NAKED, RICH, SAD AND EVEN RICHER THAN I WAS WHEN I LAST SAID THAT SHIT ABOUT BEING SAD. AND NOW I'M EVEN SADDER.
Fears are growing for the health of Australian supermodel Elle MacPherson, after reports she is suffering from exhaustion, depression, nausea and general fatigue, according to attending physicians who describe the state in medical terms as "sick-and-tired."
The 39-year-old mother of two, who this year gave birth to son Cy, has pulled out of a number of recent public events--including the Melbourne Cup horse race--sparking rumors she is not well after she lost count of her millions and millions and millions of dollars and was forced to begin counting again as she bathed in champagne, smoked cigars, and laughed aloud at the plight of the poor while keeping company with Satan.
THE FACE OF DEPRESSION: I AM RICH! AND I SUFFER.
Satan, pulling double double overtime at AL BORDA'S house, could not be reached for comment at press time.
MOBY'S READY FOR CHILDREN
A NATION WONDERS ALOUD: "ISN'T HE A FAG?"
MOBY, HIS MALE "FRIEND" RA-MOAN, AND TWO CRONES OF THE GENUS, FAGUS HAGUS
Dance-music superstar Moby, in a lusty burst of egomaniacal brainstorming, has decided that he's finally ready to inflict his inferior genetic coding on the rest of us and have bad techno-music making children--and he's advertising for a mate.
The 38-year-old hitmaker made the personal announcement as he helped introduce the animated show SonicVision on Monday night at the Hayden Planetarium Space Theater in New York's American Museum of Natural History.
Moby, who helped pick the film's soundtrack, told the absolutely aghast crowd before its premiere that his day had been wonderful, partly because he spent his morning helping judge a kids' contest.
He said, "Now, for the first time in my life, I want to make babies. If anyone wants to make babies, let me know."
Hundreds in attendance for the film's debut and the glittering afterparty at the museum's Rose Center for Earth and Space fled screaming into the parking lot.
KIDMAN AND KRAVITZ KEEP ROMANCE UNDER WRAPS...FOR THE KIDS' SAKE
Oscar-winner Nicole Kidman and rocker Lenny Kravitz in a rare moment of selfless reflection, are keeping their burgeoning romance private, you know, to avoid upsetting their respective children, according to pals.
"The Hours" beauty Nicole--who is currently renting Kravitz's New York apartment--called a press conference to announce that though she's been spotted in the company of the singer on numerous occasions, they are positively, absolutely "NOT fucking. Or even sucking. Much. Yet. You know."
SO I'M FUCKING THIS WHITE BROAD, SEE? AND MAN I'M JUST FUCKING WORKING HER ASS AND I START ASKING HER WHOSE SHIT THIS WAS AND FUCK IF SHE DIDN'T TURN AROUND AND IT WAS THAT CHICK WHAT USED TO MARRIED TO THAT GAY DUDE. NO. NOT LIZA MINELLI. NO, NO, NOT J. LO. WHAT? YEAH, NICOLE. NO, NOT THE ONE THAT OJ FUCKING ICED, THE OTHER ONE. YEAH. ANYWAYS, I...
However, pals of the duo, who attended a wine tasting in New York earlier this week, claim the pair are definitely an item, but called the press conference because they wish to shield their children from any unwanted publicity.
The friend adds, "I think they are both trying to be sensitive to the kids," before laughing and shaking her head and mumbling something like "fucking unbelievable."
