Vivid

Rating: FOUR "Very, Very Complicated" BUSTED NUTS

You know we's thrown Vivid so many beatings over the years that it barely bears doing again. Like when we caught that fucking raping fucker Shorty down on the Lower East Side and bashed his head in with a lug wrench. We left him lying there on the sidewalk after the Puerto Rican coke dealers chased us offa him with their Spanish Knives of Justice but we left him with the de rigeur "if we ever see you again we're gonna kill you." Now's it's unknown at the time whether or not this blasted through the accumulated years of narcotic drool and/or the effects of the wrench to the head or not. And sure enough we caught him on 7th near St. Marks and had to administer Beating #2, which was even worse than Beating #1, what on account of him holding a handful of trembling knife and trying to go all Puerto Rican drug dealer on us. Which, in fact, only works IF you're Puerto Rican drug dealer. With him it just got him another ass kicking. An ass kicking that was lacking in all the proper enthusiams that should accompany an ass kicking.

But I digress.

The point is here: we all KNOW Vivid sucks so if we're watching one it's for some totally different reason than that we know we can expect some fine film work, fine fuck work, or fine fuck film work from them. It's for something else. In this instance: CELESTE. The first time ever I saw her face...was when I saw her puss spread like an eagle in the pages of HUSTLER. I called the then executive editor ALLAN MAC D.

CELESTE SANS THE COCKS, THE COCONUTS, & THE OILY UNGUENTS THAT ISSUE FORTH THEREOF

"I love this bitch."

"Yeah."

"I wanna meet her."

"She's married to Woody."

"Fuck Woody. I could kick his ass."

"Well, I don't know. Woody's pretty big."

"And you're trying to get his ass kicked."

"Nah. She's a stupid cow and as proof of that I offer that she actually married Woody."

And so it went. The next time I saw her face it was slathered in man lotion. Her tits, her ass, her unrestricted brio for getting her ass banged...Jesus H. Fucking Christ, she was a sight to behold and DEEP INSIDE her as this vid offers is sore consolation for not having had the good fortune of banging her in 1987.

ITALIAN SAL asked me if I was ever going to review anything filmed after 1995.

"Not unless it's got old fat broads in it."

And so it is. Somewhere, some place in San Fernando Valley Celeste is directing movies and missing out on what would have been the defining feature of her 38 years on this planet: my cock.

It is to cry. -- VINNIE ROSE

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