But first this ecumenical message from SkullGame's ITALIAN SAL who, what with being Italian and all, is feeling the full blush of religious fervor as the festival of fucking Lent approaches and his thoughts turn to the Savior's full and glorious blessings of eternal grace and support. And nuns. With big, giant tay tays.
"Dear sweet Jesus, please. Please, please, please, if you could in the spirit of your endless giving, just see your way clear to giving MATT FUREY cancer. In the name of the Father, Son and the Holy Spirit, Amen...
CONSIDER SKULLGAME MINISTRIES. FOR THE ANSWERS TO SOME OF LIFE'S MORE DIFFICULT, WELL MORE DIFFICULT AND FUCKED UP, REALLY, QUESTIONS ABOUT LIFE AND SHIT.
...Oh yes, and Jesus please don’t forget to make it cancer of the balls or ass cancer, actually any disease that requires tons of different medical professional probing his anus would pretty much work for me.
Oh yes, and dear Jesus? Could you please give GIULIANA SGRENA herpes sores all over her mouth and Vagina. I mean more than the ones presently dotting her personage. And...cancer of the asshole, too, yeah, cancer of the asshole and herpes sores…but mostly the asshole thing, in the name of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit, Amen.
Thank you Jesus.
RACISTS ALL AGREE: "THOSE BLACK NIGGER KIKE GUINEA WOP MOTHERFUCKERS AT SKULLGAME ARE RIGHTEOUS FUCKING BROS."
SKULLGAME (SkullGame) -- Well the stats are in and a resounding number of you, SkullGame readers all, have voted the only way you know how: with your asses. So forthwith the concluding saga of the NEWEST SKULLGAMESHOW: THE ANSWER IS YES!
Him Chinee? Him make joke? Him make peepee in my Coke?
YES!!! AND JUST BE GLAD HE WASN'T DRIVING WHEN HE DID IT.
I went to my Italian mechanic and asked him for a rough estimate. And so he beat me up!
YES!!!
All Muslims are NOT terrorists. However, ALL of the terrorists were MUSLIMS?
YES!!!
White guys' not-so-lurking concerns about diminished cock-i-tude cause them to cling together in clatches of near-homosexual intensity forming the basis for football teams, fraternities and country music?
YES!!!
L.A. CONFIDENTIAL: WHAT DO VIN DIESEL, TOM CRUISE, AND HENRY ROLLINS HAVE IN COMMON?
NOPE. NOT THIS.
HOLLYWOOD (SkullGame) -- In a committed seven-year relationship with a man named GEORGE, star of the stage and screen and well-muscled action hero VIN DIESEL has, according to very, very, very close sources in the fight community, most assuredly caught THE GAY. This, while by no means diminishes our belief in him as a NON-cocksucking American hero, it does make us think twice about all those sleepovers he's been inviting us too.
MAAAYYYYYBBEEEE...THIS?!?!!?
LARA FLYNN BOYLE STILL MAKING NO FUCKING SENSE IN REGARDS TO RECENT FLIGHT OF FANCY. AND NUDITY. FLIGHT OF FUCKING FANTASY AND NUDITY.
WHAT?!?! I DON'T GOTTA ESPLAIN NUTTIN'. TO ANY OF YOUSE. WHOSE COCKS I'VE SUCKED. TODAY.
HOLLYWOOD (SkullGame) -- LARA FLYNN BOYLE. ex-of overweight golfer JACK NICHOLSON, has refused to clarify exactly what happened during her reported recent nude flight, insisting her job means she doesn't have to explain herself. Boyle hit the headlines in January when she reportedly stripped off her clothes onboard a Los Angeles British Airways flight to London and attempted to seduce a passenger by vigorously sucking his sausage.
While a BA spokesperson confirmed a female passenger had been acting strangely by attempting a "seduction" through the rigor and vigor of volume discounts to the back of her throat during the journey, they did not release the customer's name, saying instead, "well it rhymes with FARA BLYNN LOYLE."
And, when she was recently asked if the reports were true, Boyle replied, "My job is to entertain -- and not to explain...anything at all about my patented 'Suck First, Ask Questions Later' Seduction Tactic."
END NOTE: WHY IS THIS SKULLGAME RANT SO FUCKING SLACK?
IT'S TIME TO BE HONEST. WELL WE DON'T MEAN RIGHT NOW. AFTER A BIT.
SKULLGAME (SkullGame) -- Because we write it after a long weekend of "near"-criminal behaviors that....well, fuck it, we'll let JIMMY THE "G" tell it.
"I could tell you all about the two day's waking coke binge, followed by a day of 'reviewing' a turned-off television (the radio was on, though) from the k-hole, followed by two lost days of Clozaril-enhanced sleep, but I've got the bleeding leader:
SAN FRANCISCO — A man who was severely mauled by two chimpanzees at an animal sanctuary last week was briefly overwhelmed by monkey-lust, when the apes attacked, his wife said Monday.
"One was at his head, one was at his foot. But all that time ... he was trying to reason with them," a sobbing LaDonna Davis told SkullGame's Jimmy the "G." "I couldn't do anything."
Recent primate behavior research conducted by the reporter, consisting of hurling feces over the fence at the San Francisco Zoo's Monkey Island, have proven that monkeys thrive on revenge, which becomes their sole reason. Even to the point of forgetting, until avenged, food, sex and masturbation.
FILE UNDER: ABOUT GODDAMNED TIME.
Davis, 64, and her husband, St. James Davis , were visiting Animal Haven Ranch near Bakersfield on Thursday when two male chimps escaped their enclosure and attacked the couple.
"When we made eye contact, the charge was on," LaDonna Davis said. "There was no stopping anything, and the big chimp came around from behind me and pushed me into my husband. The male came around from behind and chomped off my thumb. ... My husband must have realized we were in deep trouble because he pushed me backward. At that time, they both went for him," meaning her husband, the Monkey Fucker.
St. James Davis, 62, lost all the fingers from both hands, an eye, part of his nose, cheek, lips and part of his buttocks in the ferocious attack, his wife claimed. She also said one of his feet was mutilated. A Kern County Sheriff's commander also said his genitals were mauled. Jimmy the G says the Kern County Sheriff's Department are a bunch of ballswabs.
St. James Davis, or "The Monkey Fucker" as he is referred to by hospital staff, was being treated at Loma Linda University Medical Center, where doctors said his condition was "minute by minute".
Right now what they are trying to do is keep his breathing constant. That's all they can tell me about the Monkey Fucker. I pinched some of the tubes, to try and rouse an answer out of him, but the orderlies heard the alarm from his life support machine.
The Davises were visiting the sanctuary to celebrate the birthday of Moe — a 39-year-old chimpanzee who was taken from their home in West Covina, a Los Angeles suburb, after biting off part of a woman's finger in 1999.
Authorities were continuing to investigate how the Monkey Fucker could have kept his nuts attached for this long, when he couldn't learn to leave them monkeys alone."
Hope that answers all your goddamned questions.
