Video Team

Rating: ONE & A HALF "Are Those Real? Can I Feel?" BUSTED NUTS

OK, now you buy a film that claims to be ALL ANAL and you expect ALL ANAL. Thing is, this film just ain't got enough of it. And frankly, that sucks. Big time. Now, I'm new to this reviewing business, but if a porno ain't gonzo then I don't wanna be seeing the studio lighting in the shot. It's not cinema verité for fuck's sake.

And shots repeated just to bump up the running time?!? Look, if I'm desperate to see DOMINICA get slammed again I'll hit rewind myself, thanks! I know it ain't arthouse but c'mon, at least TRY! Let me break it down...

Scene one: Dominica's in some killer knee-high platforms. She gets double-teamed. She's wondering if she left the oven on when she finally gets it in the ass. Such is her visible enthusiasm.

Scene two: ZANA makes some of the most off-puttingly unerotic noises and facial expressions whilst she's getting licked out by the porno equivalent of ELVIS COSTELLO. She's got hot tits but I was too put off by her frightening noises to care. And talk about disappointed when the Costello-alike went for Zana's ass: when a guy's doing anal with a condom, you know his cock is truly suffering for it's art. If you're gonna screw for cash, why pussy around with rubber?? At least she swallows I guess...

ANGEL LONG HAS A DREAM. THAT ONE DAY BLACK DUDES CAN FUCK HER, ALONE, OR TOGETHER, WITHOUT FEAR OF PREJUDICE OR DISCRIMINATION. OR EVEN THE POSSIBILITY THAT THEY WON'T BE ABLE TO LEAVE LOADS ON HER CHIN. YOU MAY SAY THAT SHE'S A DREAMER. BUT SHE'S NOT THE ONLY ONE.

Scene three: okay, all credit to ANGEL LONG--she LOVES the taste of cock (and the taste of her ass by the looks of things). All the fucking way baby, it's gagging and gasping time! She's not the sexiest gal, but she takes a good pounding, and that, frankly is what the fuck we're paying for. At goddamned last.

Scene four: JASMINE LYNN seems obsessed with MELANIE JAGGER'S hair to begin with. Maybe she's an animal lover. Still, she sucks good buttplug (as does Mel), which I'm more than happy to witness.

Now, admittedly I'm a sucker for platform heels (hey, we all have our kinks) and both girls look great in them, and Mel seriously enjoys getting boned. But this white lube that keeps randomly appearing around assholes is starting to unnerve me...it's reminding me of Bishop's death scene in ALIEN, only he never got assfucked by TOM SKERRITT. Man, what a gay porn scene THAT would make...

Scene five: whoah, is this from another film?! we're in a graveyard, two gorgeous vixens have just woken some buff dude from a coffin, the blonde wasn't even mentioned in the credits, she's got great tits, they're kissing, it's all suddenly gone horribly over-budget, the crew are on fire, the director is creating a masterpiece! Bravo!! But it's all too much, too late: why even bother when the other scenes have ruined your appetite? Oh dear.

Give me BRIDGETTE KERKOVE or BELLADONNA for anal any day. At least they do what they say they'll do. -- TEABAG

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