Private

Rating: TWO & A HALF "It Was The Best Of Times. It Was The Worst of Times" BUSTED NUTS

REALITY. It’s just about the oddest name anyone could pick for a line of porno movies. Very little of what goes on in these videos has much to do with reality. Unreality, or its flip, more appealing side, Fantasy, would be far better. But Reality is what Private is going with in its regular video “magazine.”

VICTORIA SWINGER FALLING ON A BOTTLE. OR SOMETHING.

Problem is here that the fantasy is closer to unreality, and the unreality is generally mundane. It’s like Private is trying to fuck it up on purpose. So skip through most of the scenes (definitely skip over the production and behind the scenes reports) and rather focus on the pretty damn scorching scene featuring the rubber band-like VICTORIA SWINGER and JESSICA FIORENTINO. Swinger is the consummate acrobatic sex fetishist’s dream as she takes anal with her entire torso on the ground and her hips far above it. There’s no way you can make me believe she has any bones below her rib cage.

But even this scene gets clowned with a stupid would-be DJ bitch that hangs out in the background and who pretends to be rocking out to some brain cell slaying techno drivel while interjecting things that you might expect from a third rate Playstation racing game. Is the point to distract us from what we came for? Is this meant to be entertaining? Well, the sex these two girls deliver is top notch, but any fine, fuckable woman in a porn video better be art of the action, goddammit. Or at least she should keep her dubbed over mouth shut. -- STEELY ROB

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