Private
Rating: ONE & A HALF "Isn't Porn So, Like, HILARIOUS?" BUSTED NUTS
You know the people: The self deluded. These are the ones who own pornography, yet claim they only watch it occasionally. Usually they feign ambivalence toward it: they only watch it because it’s "funny." They usually make these claims when in the company of females they are trying to nail, a futile gesture, as possession is nine tenths of the law. I don’t know what that actually means, but it does sound official. Anyways, women see right through these lies, making the self-deluded look like even bigger cunts than the lying fucks actually are.
DOROTHY? DOROTHY BLACK? THE BIG-TITTED PORN STAR FROM RUMANIA OR WHEREVER THE FUCK? THE ONE WHO IS FOND OF THREADBARE RED TOPS? NAHHHH....I NEVER HEARD OF HER.
If the above perfectly describes YOU, which if you are reading this I doubt greatly, then get your money out you deceitful bastard. This is the flick for you. Private have compiled four fucking hours of fucking, which is a fucking lot of fucking isn’t it?
Painfully stuffed with every porn cliché you could ever imagine. Seriously, you name it and it’s HERE. The fucking is presented in detached-euro-vision: no gibbering from the cameraman, suicide-inducing muzak and threads straight outta Beverly Hills 90210. To say that these factors distract you from the…..um.. ACTING would be a fucking gigantic understatement.
But, the crushing irony of all ironies, is that it is actually funny. In one scene, we find a medieval french peasant girl crushing grapes in a vineyard. Sureeee. Happens all the time. So, she is squishing away in a massive family-sized wooden bucket. As the sun sets, a man appears.
Is he in peasant attire?
Is he, fuck. He seems to be a fake tanned German time traveller, on a research mission into sex with medieval grape-crushing peasant girls. In buckets.
Buckets?
Yes they do the nasty in the fucking BUCKET, grape juice and all. So you see, if you do have a problem with admitting to owning pornography you can own this and rest easy. Only problem is, if you view a healthy amount of fuck flicks then your warped mind will require 101% concentration to bust anything near a nut to this. Definitely one for the shame junkies and beginners. -- ENGLISH BOB
English Bob
Buy it NOW!
