VCX

Rating: THREE "How Many Nuts Is One Woman Worth? Well Now That Depends" BUSTED NUTS

OK. I finally hit vintage fucking film Waterloo.

Which for you ignorant motherfuckers means I crossed the Rubicon and was invaded by the fucking Visigoths on their way to the Dardenelles. In other words, while we all knew it HAD to happen, I'm as surprised as anybody though that I finally crapped out on what is usually unqualifiably considered not only a porn classic, but a generalized CULT classic.

DEBBIE DOES DALLAS, we hardly knew ye.

THE GUY WITH THE BALD SPOT? YUP. THE HIGH SCHOOL QUARTERBACK.

Sure it had all the elements...

1) the broadly jokey humor ("Hello Mr. Hardwick!!!")
2) the chicks that you'd pay to keep their clothes on under other circumstances sporting a full on Allen's Carpets' worth of shag just about any place you'd be likely to find shag on a human body and
3) a plot and a premise that you are supposed to find terribly droll (cheerleaders doing ODD jobs to make money for the football team)

...that I fucking hate.

Man. And not only that I was transported back in time to the time when I had to lie, cheat, steal and sneak my underage ass into a theater on 42nd Street that decided that THAT was the day that they were going to enforce their age limits and so I had to watch the flick from the jizzed out floor of the theater and wait and wait and wait for some fucking worth writing home about.

Believe me this was a labor of love for which there is no modern corollary.

And yet....and yet....it still holds some charm for me, despite the seasick memories of misspent youth. And these are all due to two things.

The broad that gets fucked in the library and motherfucking BAMBI WOODS.

SHE'LL SUCK YOUR DICK LIKE SOUVLAKI

My belief is that we develop personal things for pornstars based on women that we've personally fucked or always wanted to fuck. In person. This a simple calculus that goes thus

JOSEFINE = TRACI LORDS.
NICOLE = JENNIFER WELLES.
And JESSICA WILSON = OLIVIA = BAMBI WOODS.

And I just ACHE to think of BAMBI OLIVIA JESSICA with their collective mix of trailer treasure, ivory snow ass and cock gobblage. BAMBI OLIVIA JESSICA doesn't fuck much in this flick even and in fact she only fucked in like one other flick, DEBBIE DOES DALLAS 2, which smacks of left over footage though not having yet seen it we don't know. But she is hot and insofar as BAMBI OLIVIA JESSICA'S fucking is the kind of fucking that makes you want to do scant else OTHER than fuck, well for this alone I'd usually slap this with a quick FIVE BUSTED NUTS.

But, Christ on a crutch, watching the rest of the flick just reminds me of jujubes and jiz and a 42nd Street that no longer exists. So it's clearly a deal with the devil: you gotta get this to see her, and you gotta SEE her, but don't expect much from the rest of the flick.--VINNIE ROSE

Buy it NOW!