Alpha Blue Archives

Rating: FIVE "This Is The Great Goddamned Science of Sausage" BUSTED NUTS

It dawns on me that this could be one of those things like you have with a friend when they tell you about some shit they like, like say a band. They go on and on about how fucking good the band is, how it means so much to them, how the presence of this band in their life has just fucking changed everything. They go on about it so long that you finally fucking buy in.

And next thing you know: you're at a fucking PHISH concert.

You see what I mean?

My whole recent vintage film fit could just be a goddamned boondoggle of brobdignagian proportion. I mean I could be outta my fucking mind and you, well you'd be stuck with the ragged end of a shitty stick.

But I strongly suspect not. I suspect not because CHRISTY CANYON can BREAK YOUR DICK IN HALF!!!

WHY YES, I DO HAVE PUBIC HAIR. WHY DO YOU ASK?

Don't believe me? LOOK at the facts.

1) she made an old girlfriend of mine sob with shame
2) well, that sobbing thing was enough.

And THIS flick is THE flick because you see Christy had some fucking bad breaks. Some of her best work was with teen queen TRACI LORDS and so has been pulled from shelves and archives. Her work with VIVID was a mockery of a travesty of sham. A shonde. And then her 90s striving for aerobicized hardbody-itis ruined her rubenseque figure, by which I mean her big, giant tay tays.

So THIS is the one. Sure, by today's standards it might be found lacking in like TWO COCKS IN THE ASS action and to some it might feel like a History channel rod ride but the essence of the action always comes back to Christy herself and she...just...fucking...SLAYS me. Believe it.--VINNIE ROSE

Buy it NOW!