WHO IS THIS FUCKING SLUT?!?!
IT'S BIG, BLACK & CORNHOLIO IS NOWHERE IN SIGHT: YOU BE THE JUDGE
LOS ANGELES (SkullGame) -- We were sitting around trying to figure out who this whore was. ITALIAN SAL was there. VINCE VOUYER was there. CORNHOLIO was there and this fucking broad comes on the wall-mounted Phillips Flat Screen Plasma (we are sponsored by them) with "enough visual acuity to catch you a cold if you even see someone sneeze on that motherfucker."
Anyways VOUYER says "man, I'd like to get a piece of that." And not to be outdone SAL says, "yeah, I'd fucking wedge my cock between those teeth like I was yanking a wheel offa goddamned rim. I'd give her a coconut oil glaze that'd make her look like a krispy kreme donut. I'd fucking fuckety fuck fuck that fucking fuck, shit, fuck, goddamn titty fucking, shit exploding, jiz all over, face the fucking music...."
DIG GRISELDA LURKING BACK OF JESSICA WHILE SHE CALLS CORNHOLIO AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN TO GET THE SAME ANSWER, "NO," TO THE SAME QUESTION, "CHICKEN OF THE SEA AIN'T CHICKEN?"
And in that quiet gentleman of leisure way that CORNHOLIO has about him, he noted, "I fucked her already."
"You fucked her?" Now you must understand our skepticism. According to him he's already fucked
1) HALLE BERRY
"CORNHOLIO? WAS HE GOOD? DOES A MONKEY HAVE NUTS?"
2) MADELINE ALBRIGHT
"HE ALWAYS TOLD ME THAT I SUCKED COCK LIKE RINGING A BELL. IS THAT GOOD?"
3) ELLEN DEGENERES
"ME, SHARON STONE AND CORNHOLIO. NUFF SAID"
and our mothers if he's to be believed.
Anyways he continues, "yeah. I was at a party at MR. MARCUS', at some place on WILSHIRE and who shows up but Ms. I Thought Chickens Were Waterfowl. Well I ass-fucked her in the bathroom. The god's honest truth."
Then we sat there in the soft simmer of the suddenly setting sun and said absolutely nothing.
A LETTER FROM A HOT JAPANESE BITCH
WHEN I WASH MY UNDERWEAR, I SEE DEAD PEOPLE
"I was at a laundry across from my apartment. One bright sunday afternoon I found a couple of those Walgreen photo albums on one of the machines. The next thing I know, they're on my machines. The cover said "SISSY WIMP" and inside were photo collection snapshots of this 40 to 50 year old transvestite.
"Suddenly, I notice this guy keeps walking back and forth in front of me. He finally asks me in a small, small voice, 'I know it's illegal to buy pornographic materials, but can I buy one of those photos?'
AN ENTREPRENEUR NAMED "EDDIE COATES," NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH THE DESPERATE TRANNY FLASHER OF THE SAME NAME
Of course this is the guy in the album, though dressed normal now in khakis and dirty flannel shirt. I said, 'um, sure!' He took out this dollar bill from his pocket and said 'This is all I have. Would this be enough?' I said, 'cool.'
'Can I pick one myself?' he said. Then he started looking through...his own photos. I asked 'how do you like them?' He says 'they are so nice....' He picked one and said thank you and left to the other side.
I secretly took one out of the album, that I now send to you."
LETTERS FROM A LUNATIC
READING IS FUNDAMENTAL. LIKE PISS.
THIS, AND MANY MORE LIKE IT, WERE SENT TO US OVER A PERIOD OF SEVERAL MONTHS: ONE FOR YOUR READING PLEASURE
I am going to kick you to death you cock sucker! Do you have any idea what I am going to do to you? I am coming over there right NOW!
Where do you live again? I’m sorry I have a hard time with addresses. Hello? Hello, are you there? DAMN! Oh, Hi. I had no idea you were standing there. Please sit down. What’s that? Oh no, don’t be silly, those are just jokes. Him and I, we are very close, we always joke around. You don’t have his address by any chance!?! No, no never mind.
Please sit. Yeah, thanks for coming by. So, how are things? Good, good. Family good? Yeah I am sorry about that dog thing. You know how things are? That dog had a nice ass. Hey! Where you going? Hey, I’m sorry. WAS IT THE PANTS? I WAS GOING TO PUT THEM BACK ON!!!
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF...THIS?!?!
Hello? Hey, about that kicking to death thing, no hard feelings right? Hey, ah, is it okay if I come by?
