Typhoon

Rating: FIVE Cracked & Cooked BUSTED NUTS Without That Small Fucking Problem; NO BUSTED NUTS And Murderous Outrage WITH That Small Fucking Problem

This excellent Japanese kung fu/ rope bondage viddy is sullied by one very unfortunate problem.

Now, listen carefully. I’ve just said "excellent," "kung fu" and "rope bondage." It’s even filmed well. Plus, no annoying story line to follow because, unless you speak Japanese, there are no subtitles. Just make up your own dialogue:

"You must be punished for ruining the wasabi."

"No, Master! It was Lotus Blossom! Not me! Oh, please! Not the hot wax!"

"Your unagi will sting for days…"

Ad nauseam…

Then there’s the forced fellatio scenes, a favorite of mine, in which the wise and just Japanese porn masters have decreed that the money shot must occur inside the mouth, where it belongs. There, I’ve said it. Facials are boring and most of the actresses aren’t made to eat the fruit of their efforts. It’s appalling. [Sez you, jack--VINNIE ROSE]

But back to that niggling problem.

ANYTHING, ANYWHERE NEAR THE ACTION IS PIXELATED.

What did he say? Pixelated?

YES. IN A PORN MOVIE. WITH ROPE BONDAGE AND FORCED FELLATIO. YOU CAN’T SEE ANY OF IT. JUST PIXELS.

I don’t know whether I should shit or just go blind. Either way, God hates me.--THE ARGENTINE

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