Yo Vinnie,
So I'm out at this little shit-hole punk rock dive with this chick that I absolutely cannot fuck (she slept with my recently deceased best friend less than 12 hours before he passed) but that is pretty cool and serves as a good in for other pussy, namely the hot-bitch brigade she rolls with--so I'm milking it for all it's worth. I'm not dressed well, smelling well, thinking well, or talking well...so my rational mind has given up on taking anything good home for the night and my drinking mind has taken over. Anyhow, I'm sitting there, minding my business, when this pretty hot bitch that's sitting nearby repositions herself and offers me her drink. She's sauced and conmeasurately friendly--we start to chat and the conversation soon moves to light touching and that whole leg-inside-leg, sitting-like-I-can't-wait-to-send-you-on-a-nervous-trip-to-the-free-clinic shit. Ace is in the hole, far as I'm concerned, and I start stepping the game up a notch to a reciprocal factor on her end. Next thing I know, some manly looking whore I don't even know rolls up, puts her arm around me, and starts rubbing my head and acting like we're the best of fucking friends. Before I get a chance to slay this dragon, to react with a maelstrom of teeth and nail, some faggot sits down in-between myself and my target and starts trying to convince us both that he's not a homo. My alarm goes off: This isn't a cock-blocking; this a motherfucking cock-blockade! Between the tranny and the queer, old girl deduces that I am one to keep ill-company, gets up and goes to find another. I'm so mad I immediately take a $25 cab ride home--thinking that this was obviously an act of premeditated maelficence and growing more resentful by the minute. Anyhow, it's 1:30 in the morning, I have no drugs, and I'm wondering: Should I just go kill somebody for being somebody? Please help. Me. Kill them. Please." -- BEAN (by email)

RIGHT BEFORE THINGS WENT HORRIBLY, HORRIBLY HOMO...

Dear God Hates You All: Kill someone? You mean outside of yourself? Nooooo....you just got fucking bamboozled by the world, you fucking prick. Of course, the no-sex-except-from-Filipino-gangbangers Tranny and The Bitter Fag were going to keep you from exercising your heterosexual privilege by fucking shit up for you. The unhappy always try to bring down the unhappy. It's their job. THEY WERE JUST DOING THEIR JOB. The dereliction of heterosexual duty was all yours, my friend. You didn't ask, but I'll offer some advice for what to do next time this unlikely confluence of events should happen to you: stand up and loudly offer to any who will listen, "YOU WILL NOT INTERFERE WITH ME EXERCISING MY HETEROSEXUAL PRIVILEGE RIGHT HERE AND NOW TONIGHT!!!" Grab your intended's hand and wisk her away in that $25 cab ride to Case Skull and bone like your life, and our cameras, depended on it.

Suckered by homos? Sheeeeiiiitttt.....that really is YOUR problem, jack, hahahahaha....