THIS Oscar night coverage is being brought to you by THE PURSES OF KRISTINA & EMMA, which we plundered on promise of show viewage on our expansive flat screen TV only to deliver sausage and robbery instead.

"SURROUND SOUND TOO?" OH, FUCK YEAHHHH, BABY....WE GOT ALLA THAT. BALL PARK FRANKS TOO!!!

HAS THERE EVER BEEN AN EVENT MORE GAY? SKULLGAME SAYS: YES. POSSIBLY FIGURE SKATING. OR A CREED CONCERT. BUT THIS IS CLOSE. VERY, VERY, VERY... CLOSE...

HOLLYWOOD (SkullGame) -- After losing out five times, director Martin Scorsese was awarded his first Oscar on Sunday for his mob informer movie The Departed. Scorsese, 64, was up against Clint Eastwood, who beat him two years ago and went up against him again this year having directed two critical favorites (though he was nominated for only one, Letters From Iwo Jima).

"C'MOOOONNNNN....YOU GOTTA BE FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?!?!!!!! I'M THANKING YOU AND MY DICK IS STILL UNSUCKED?!?!?"

"Could you double-check the envelope?" Scorsese said when accepting his award. "I ask you to check the fucking envelope since I am quite sure that you have not been using your fucking eyes to read these things or even to watch the goddamned movies that you been voting on. I get beat by Ordinary People?!?!? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?!? See this? Well, I mean I know you can't SEE this but I'm just saying...you see this? It's my big dick. My thanks to the Academy will be complete when this rests comfortably against your gums. Now where's the bitches at?"

Scorsese's first directing nomination was in 1981 for "Raging Bull." His other nominations included "The Last Temptation of Christ," "Goodfellas" and "Gangs of New York."

AND SKULLGAME SALUTES HELEN MIRREN'S TITS

20 YEARS EARLIER....JUST BECAUSE....

CAILEY TAYLOR ALSO SHOULD DIE AS HER TITS POSE A GRAVE NATIONAL SECURITY RISK...THAT BEARS CLOSER EXAMINATION

FIVE FUCKING EASY PIECES WITH A TOTALLY UNREGENERATE SLUT!!!

SkullGame: Who do you dig working with the most?
CAILEY TAYLOR: DICK TRACY. He's my favorite. Mostly because he's got the perfect cock.
SG: Wasn't that me?
CT: Sorry honey.
SG: What's funnier: a midget or a monkey in a tuxedo?
CT: A midget in a tuxedo. How about that?
SG: We're asking the goddamned questions. Okay. How much would it cost for you to a scene with us?
CT: This is a trick question. Isn't it? Isn't it? [She looks desperately from ITALIAN SAL TO CORNHOLIO who are not smiling. No. Not at all.] I plead the 5th.
SG: Maxed out Visa or meth habit?
CT: Maxed out Visa!!!

DIANE KEATEN NOTIFIES THE WORLD OF HER INTENT TO HAVE THE TERROR CONTINUE

I'M OLD. AND MY TITS HATE YOU

HOLLYWOOD (SkullGame) -- In her movie, "Something's Gotta Give," Diane Keaton -- who's now 57 fucking years old, which is precisely just as old as that broad VINNIE ROSE just fucked when he thought we weren't in the office -- does her very first-ever nude scene. She was famous years ago as the one cast member of "Hair" who kept her clothes on, so when we asked her if she intended to continue her reign of breast-based terror this is what she said:

"Your idea about your body changes completely as you get older. Now I just see it as a body. It's not like this precious commodity that I have to hide because I'm like, Omigod, I don't want anyone ever to see me ever-ever, which I felt for about a bazillion years. But now I feel like, What's the difference? ... I still feel self-conscious, but I don't care about being in a movie and showing my naked body in a silly scene where I'm going "Wah! Nwah! Ahhh!" Who cares?"

We do. Now fucking stop it.