WE ARE FAT HEAR US ROAR...FOR MORE BLEU CHEESE DRESSING!!!

ARE YOU FAT? AND JOLLY? AND LIKE LOADS? YEAHHHH....WE THOUGHT SO.

Shawn was at this bar. Wait wait wait...it was a cafe. No. No. It was definitely a Bar Cafe. Anyways, he had just gotten out of the pen. His debt to society? His refusal to forgo biting part of another man's nose off in a fight. The charge? Apparently when you bite someone's ear or nose off? That's right: MAYHEM. He had gone to county for fucking MAYHEM.

Anyways, there he was in this Bar Cafe and he's thinking: LOW. HANGING. FRUIT. And there she was. At bar end. Drinking alone. He has the barkeep send her a drink and nods his way over. She accepts his drink. And his order of curly fries. And his purchase of onion rings. And his nachos. And the peanuts from the plastic cup on the bar. Sure, she was a little heavy. That is: sure, she was a LITTLE HEAVY, but Shawn had been down for six months and he was wanting EASE and not something to take home to mom.

And thusly the full court press.

"Hey. Um, we should go over to my house. I have a parrot."

"No."

"C'mon. He talks and everything."

And then the PUNCHLINE to end all PUNCHLINES:

"You only wanna fuck me because I'm FAT."

And Shawn looks at the Bar Cafe's counter and it's rosy red plastic baskets emptied of their fries, onion rings and nachos. He sees the sad peanut cup, forlorn in its emptiness and he says:

"I only wanna fuck you because you're beautiful."

And later as he was hustling her out the door with instructions that she might find a cab at the corner if she waved real hard and waited for 5 or 20 minutes he felt a loathing that even after a hot shower would not be cleansed and he thought to himself, "God, what have I done? And will that bartender remember that it was me that done it?"

We don't know Shawn but what we do know is that CHUBBYLOVING, this week's site in question could have saved you a whooooolllle lot of grief. A whole lot. A big, ol' fat load of trouble.

And the best part is? Nobody has to know.