YO VINNIE,
My wife works. A LOT. She works at 5 a.m. in the morning. She works until 2 in the morning. She goes on business trips for work too. For things like office parties and such. Or seminars. Her job is a part time job. We have sex once a month. But she flips out, however, if I make plans to leave the house for a single evening. Usually once every two months. And I find clothes that are not mine in the house. Now I don't care if she IS having an affair which is what I am sure you're suspecting. What I DO care about is that I'm given so little latitude to do anything, forget about even having an affair. Is this some sort of syndrome? Does it have it a name? And, while I don't know why I'm asking you all, since I don't think you know shit, what would you all suggest outside of a talk that would yield some bullshit new age thing like an "open relationship"? -- The Prisoner (by email)

"I TOLD YOU TO NEVER CALL ME WHEN I'M 'WORKING'!" THE RIGORS OF MULTIPLE DEMANDS OF HOME & OFFICE HAVE FORCED TODAY'S CAREER WOMEN TO MULTITASK IN THE ONLY WAY THEY KNOW HOW: WITH THEIR ASSES.

Dear COUNT OF MONTE CRISTO: You, my friend, are in a position that we like to call BEING AN AMERICAN MAN. Which means that you must deal with American women. Which means dealing with all of their outsized demands for all kinds of crazy shit that any other man, say a man from JapanItalyGermanyBrazilIcelandWherever, would call bullshit on. She "works" and YOU can't "play"? Well, there IS something to this, you lazy sonuvabitch, technically what she is claiming to do is "work". You going out to a bar is "play," which could explain why much of her "work" seems to take place at bars or clubs where alcohol is served and where you are not invited. Because it's "work," you see. But while we don't hate people putting things in their pussies that make them happy what we hate is that Bushian hypocrisy that says while cocaine, drunk driving and draft dodging is OK for ME, for YOU it spells the destruction of all that is holy and worthwhile.

I mean what the fuck happened to the goose-gander philosophy?

In an ideal world?

Yes. She goes to "work" and you say nothing. And you go out to "play" and she keeps her goddamn fat piehole shut.

And at the end of the day all the cunts and cocks throughout the land are happy and they all live happily ever after.

Now how to attain this?

Well, since you're not overly concerned with what she does with her quim and you don't mind her complaining just make it so and hope she doesn't get hypocritically hot enough to stab you. Good luck.