Platinum X

Rating: THREE AND A HALF “shoo-in” BUSTED NUTS

ANAL VIOLATION 3 features REBECA LINARES, the Barcelonian whore that’s really captured our fancy of late. That alone is worth a few loads blown, in stark spite of the fact that she’s the recipient of a manwich featuring not only JOHN “sexy like gefilte fish” STRONG, but also MICHAEL “Breatharian” STEFANO, which means there’s no shelter in sight from the constant barrage of errant, aimless “baby” calling. Thank God for Linares’ sanity that she can barely speak English.

REBECA LINARES, IN LESS AURALLY HARROWING TIMES.

Elsewhere, the video is a celebration of what the insides of a young woman’s small intestine looks like. For this, HARMONY and MICHELLE SWEET vie for top honors. It’s a photo finish, folks. How can you amateur ass-stretchers at home measure your progress? To be like the big girls, make sure your ass can make a bigger expression of utter shock than your mouth. – STEELY ROB

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