FIRST THERE WAS THIS........
SKULLGAME'S RESIDENT NAZI HEINRICH BIMMLER PLAYER HATES ITALIAN SAL PACINO OUTTA POON, SELF-RESPECT. SAYS, "WHO VAS HE FOOLING, TRYING TO ACT WHITE?"
AN ARTIST'S DEPICTION OF BIMMLER'S TREATMENT OF THE UNIVERSALLY ACCEPTED SKULLGAME MAN CODE
THE SKULLGAME MAN CODE
1. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella. Unless they are GAY.
2. When you are queried by a buddy's wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence.
3. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours. Unless you're busy banging his old lady in which case, you must bail him out immediately after banging his old lady.
and the one most germane to this public hearing,
4. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call B.S. (Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent). Interfering in said sharing of anecdote for the express purpose of cock-blocking a bro whilst and especially when you, yourself have guaranteed pussy, is anathema and an earmark of quasi-gayness.
5. No man is never required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering a friend's birthday is strictly optional and slightly gay. Even if you ARE gay.
NOW on to the stenographer sluts original deposition.
HEINRICH: I vas at ze Ruby Sky mit meine bitch "Chris". She ist very muscular und hast had her period for months now, so das ist the reason for ze anal sex, when ve spotted the Italian dwarf, ITALIAN SAL'S PACINO. He vas talking und laughing with ze flower of White womanhood...he's talking about Friends und lying about moving to ze Marina and acting Whiter zenn legitimately White aryans like myself. Vell, it vas too much. I stepped over and sufficiently prevented any sort of race traitoring occurring on meine vatch!!! He vas angry, but not nearly as angry as I was back in 1944 when ze Italian army knifed Germany in ze back.
ITALIAN SAL PACINO: Goddamn, that motherfucker. I'm sitting there with this slut dental hygienist. Making OK time. And then I see in the reflection of my glass the world's smallest horror movie: Heinrich skipping toward me. Next thing I know he's going on about "why do you act like you don't know me?" and did she know that "Italians are really Arabs, which are a variant of sand nigger." Now, all of that was essentially true, but that doesn't change the fact that I went from possibly getting pussy to definitely NOT getting pussy all as a direct result of his Aryan inter-fucking-vention. And insult to injury? He got laid. Albeit with the manbeast he calls a girlfriend. But laid, nonetheless. Me? Grimly masturbated in a sock. I rest my fucking case.
Our own JUDGE ROY BEAN will render a summary judgement on Weds.
AND THEN THIS!!!!
After meditating long and hard on this non-civil matter of cock-blockery within our ranks, for literally minutes upon seconds in a day that could have better been spent possibly, but now quite obviously not, acquiring flap--I am left with certainties, uncertainties, and thoughts that lie somewhere in-between, all of which I will address thoroughly below. However, since the presence of “question” has never stood in the way of my assent to “conclusion” (and given the direness of this subject and the tackling of) I find that the favor of time is not currently afforded to us, and thus the proverbial gavel need droppethed, and droppethed in a manner most authoritative--with all tenets of popular theology being taken into ample consideration. Since it appears that confusion is our unwelcomed guest this eve, allow me to take a moment to share some thoughts that have occurred to me upon reviewing these depositions:
As stated before during the initial hearing, it is in fact moderately bisexual to playerhate a comrade when said playerhating serves the offender little to no possible gain. Translation: There is an ethos that must be stringently abided by between males of the species, even if only loosely aligned, in order to keep the patriarchy from toppling. By playerhating a buddy, you are in essence appeasing the cruelest tastes of the female animal—namely, the desire for division of allegiance, the smashing of the “bros before hos” code of honor which is, in truth, the only thing that ensures our continuing getting laid. Without the proper support network, men become bitches with shocking swiftness and regularity. If allowed, this constant in-fighting will leave any given subject alone in a virtual Amazonian dystopia, standing outside of some fucking restroom holding a purse, massaging bunion covered feets, bitchlipping their way through every yeast infection—and since women cannot desire that which they cannot respect, cannot fuck that which they pity, this will ultimately leave that man acquiring much less vagina than he would if he had retained the goddamn self-respect that is the end result of having a side to be on. With enough frequency this unfortunate phenomena may spread to the level of macrocosm, and we will all be thoroughly (and not literally) fucked. Taking this into consideration, playerhating just for the sake of is, in essence, a crime against humanity (something Heinrich really needs to chill the fuck out on), and could in theory force us all to acts of faggotry in an attempt to escape an existence of being some bitch’s handbag.
So, before taking food from another man’s table, one must always pose the question to himself: “Is this going to end with me being fed?” If the answer is “no”, it’s probably because you are trying, perhaps even unconsciously, to slip your meat onto the man’s plate—which is a clever analogy that ends with you being a closested homo of sorts.
Of all the reasons to slight another, of all the banners to march under, the white woman is one of the more unworthy causes one can possibly champion. Yous don’t believe me? Do you have a white woman? Is she sitting in the other room right now watching the fucking Gilmore Girls and gaining weight--thinking about shit like not getting a job? You bet your ass she is. You kinda wish she would go away right now, don’t you? My point exactly. The fact is, all of us that are unfortunate enough to have to regularly deal with a white woman know goddamn well the insufferable cuntitude that emanates from them, as if they were a body of light—a body of light of pure worthlessness that cries a whole lot; and we spend all the time that we are not fucking them praying for car accidents and alien abductions. Nearly every other strain of ho is of greater intrinsic value—Asian women with those snazzy sideways Virginias and their subservience and kung fu and shit, Latin women for their fondness for fitting a whole bunch of heroin up their asses and sleeping in the kitchen, Black women for their ability to take a punch. What do white girls have besides a rich father that secretly wants to take you on a fishing accident? That’s right, your wallet in one pocket, your cellphone call-log in the other, and your balls in her purse (which she’s going to upgrade with the pillaged remnants from section A and then smack you repeatedly upside the head for what she found in section B.). Fucking get out while you can, unless you like starting a fight over nothing, in which case get the fuck out and take that white whore with you. She’s good at that shit. Trust me.
With all of the above being taken into consideration, with a strong tendency to upholding justice and order, I find it morally preferable, nay morally imperative, to render judgment in favor of Italian Sal Pacino, vegetarian, in the amount of two Mueller Lites (which he is to pass along to me to aid in all the stress I’ve experienced in handling this travesty of a sham) and a one-time free pass to diddle Heinrich’s “Aryan Princess”, real or imagined, regardless of the “love” he may have for her, which is almost certainly imagined. Furthermore, I sentence Heinrich to two weeks of sexual reorientation therapy in hopes of quelling what could quite possibly be the first symptoms of homo-ocity, in particular “playerhating in light of non-projected gain” and “internet fascism”—a phenomenon which is rampant in the darker corners of gay internet pornography.
Case closed.
