YO VINNIE,
I just had dinner with a friend of mine from High School. He went to Harvard and then med school somewhere else. Long story much shorter during dinner he confessed to me that every now and then when he had a patient who was pretty enough he took liberties of a, um, sexual nature. I was appalled. Outside of ending my friendship with him is there anything I can do?--R. Cohn (by email)

NOW THIS....WON'T HURT A BIT. JUST A SMALL PRICK AND YOU WON'T REMEMBER A THING

Dear Colombo: An actual serious fucking question. I'd ask THE DOCTOR but since it could be him that you're talking about I daren't run the risk of us losing our fucking connect to damaging legal reperfuckingcussions. But your question remains: should I fink my friend out to the pigs? While we abjure THE SNITCH as being injurious to the real function of CONSCIENCE, we also aggressively defend the right of every citizen to get their fucking teeth x-rayed without a no-extra-charge-ass-fucking.

So our suggestion? Murder him.

That's right. Give him one of those rides where two people go out and only one comes back as this motherfucker is beyond help and we're firm believers in the Science of the Strictest Sentence. So that's right. Wax his ass and let us know when you've done so, so we can get our fucking teeth cleaned again.