www.crackwhoreconfessions.com
THE AUTHOR. IN A MOMENT OF QUIET REFLECTION. AND TOTAL FUCKUPEDNESS
The New Year is about to dawn on doings around THE GODDAMNED MACK and no New Year would be complete without a whole fucking lot of CRACK.
So say the habitues of MACK AVENUE SKULLGAME, along with the 6.2 million Americans who ALSO admit to smoking crack at least once, twice or 20 times a week. But numbers don't mean knowledge and with the increased presence of slangers, almost as prevalent and noxious as a Starbucks on every corner, we thought the rookies might need a little friendly advice. And someone to share their fucking crack with and so forthwith:
SKULLGAME'S CRACK ATTACK ON THE MACK
1) Don't buy gaffel (unless you're planning to get popped, in which case the DA will dismiss possession charges). Real crack comes in waxy yellow chunks and is immediately absorbed into the bloodstream through the lungs in 19 seconds to reach what's left of your brain. If you do it right, it's the next best thing to booting pure powder. Since the DEA estimates that rocks are between 75-90% pure cocaine, we figure it's the best fucking bang for your buck.
2) Make a pipe by placing a 1/4" of Chore-Boy scouring pad in the end of a glass cylinder. Or you can buy one from any crack head on the street for $5.
3) Hold the pipe vertically, and place your quality rock on the Chore-Boy. Carefully melt the rock just a little bit.
4) Bring the pipe horizontally to your lips, light the melted crack and gently suck on the devil's johnson.
5) Rotate the pipe, being careful not the hold the flame too close as you inhale.
6) Immediately exhale. Crack is not like pot; holding the hit in just crystallizes your lungs.
7) The ringing in your ears and spinning in your head should keep you euphoric for the next few minutes...until you start to fiend for your next hit.
Now you too can become a cracker jack doing the chicken scratch a.k.a a crack user searching on hands and knees for crack crumbs.
SKULLGAME'S CRACK MACK BLOW YO MOTHA FUCKING STACK JACK RECIPE FOR ROCKIN' IT UP FOR THE BEST DAMN NEW YEAR'S PARTY EVER.
I'M A CRACK HO....AND I VOTE!
INGREDIENTS:
15 grams cocaine
18 oz Grand Marnier liqueur
18 oz Famous Grouse scotch
18 oz Pellegrino sparkling mineral water
1/2 teaspoon coriander
5 grams Rexal Formula III baking powder
EQUIPMENT:
Vulcon Quantum-QM 100 large capacity centrifuge
Electrothermal Bunsen burner
24 50ml Belco 3037-Graduated shallow cone bottom centrifuge tubes
Large Tupperware container
INSTRUCTIONS:
-Mix cocaine, Grand Marnier and scotch in Tupperware container. Seal tightly and let sit overnight in a cool, dry place.
-In the morning, mix in Pellegrino, baking powder and coriander. Reserve 1/2 cup.
-Distribute mixture evenly in the 24 centrifuge tubes.
-Put tubes in centrifuge for 15 minutes at 2885 RPM.
-Remove tubes and let sit overnight.
-In morning, distribute reserved mixture evenly to each tube.
-Put in centrifuge for 45 minutes at 1500 RPM.
-Remove tubes and heat each individually with a Bunsen burner for 15 minutes at 900 degrees celsius.
-Let sit for 15 minutes
-Remove crack rocks from bottom of each test tube and enjoy.
Serves 7
Oh. Yeah. And before we forget: the best website about buffers into baby
T aka chicks who suck dick for crack is www.crackwhoreconfessions.com.
Billed as "too controversial for Springer", this site has plenty of dick sucking, ass fucking and pipe huffing pictures accompanied by a tragi-comic paragraph synopsizing each bitch's rocky road to hell.
Titilating, to be sure, but the promised "free video" that would "scar your mind" never materialized.
Instead I got a page of whack-ass text that looked like a string of swear words in an Andy Capp comic. Maybe I did something wrong. Or maybe it was just the crack talking to me. I don't know. You try it.--TOOT SWEET
SHOUTS OUT: Jamie, Whack, Coco, Machiavelli, Cee, Peanut & Cleo.
