Looking both back at the year that sucked and forward to the year that will be fucked by us--aggressively, wantonly, lovingly--some of SKULLGAME's brightest minds do their goddamned REAR END ROUNDUPS.
VINNIE ROSE'S ANSWERS TO CARLY PORNBLOGRAPHY'S MOST BURNING FUCKING QUESTIONS. AND WE MEAN BURNING LIKE VD-BURNING.
Best Drool: AMME DONOVAN: Having personally been involved in the plowing of Ms. Donovan like a rough patch of the back 40, I’d have to vote for her if not 10 times well at least once: “Ogahhd oom pphahh”. Exactly.
Performer Whose Sex Noises Most Closely Resemble The Sounds Of A Tortured Farm Animal: LEXINGTON STEELE: hey if it pays the bills, brother man, do it up. Like Michael Jordan’s tongue. A signature move to end all signature moves. That being said he needs to shut the fuck up now. We got it. Besides paying too much attention to men in porno might turn you gay.
Best Unintentional Sex Comedy: Anything by that asshole AL BORDA.
Ugliest Guy With Best Sex Performances: Well even answering this question might make you gay but we’re confident enough in our sexuality that we’re going to have to say that absolutely delish hunk of man, STEVE HOLMES.
Penis That Should Not Be Attached To A Human: MINE.
Most In Need Of A Tit Job: BRIANA BANKS: you mean in need of a BETTER one?
Most Retarded Use of Technology: Bullets. In AL BORDA'S ass.
Best Tape. Period.: WEAPONS OF ASS DESTRUCTION
Best Orgasm Face: Mine. About 3 seconds after I work over that 64 year old 300 pound woman whose been hanging around our offices.
Most Disturbing Trend: Double Vag and Double Anal: just…fucking…boring. Like a 5 year old who finger paints with shit. Not interesting enough to be worth it.
Dearly Departed Industry Legend: TRINITY LOREN
Most Reliable Performer: AURORA SNOW
Most Likely To Fight Someone Who Is Foolish Enough To Ask:
Skeeter Kerkove. AND WE’VE BEEN ASKING AND HE’S BEEN DUCKING. HIM AND BORDA.
Industry Types We'd Most Like To Fuck... Themselves: Agents or Managers?
These are one in the goddamned same.
ITALIAN SAL'S END OF YEAR ASS UP
What!?! Ah yes the end of the year 50% off sale….No?
Well you give me a title that sounds like a linen sale at "Target" and what the fuck do you expect? Who came up with this title? Warren “Fucking” Buffet?
So it’s a wrap up of the past year's events? Look at you nodding with that fucking smile on your face. You smarmy motherfucker you!
We had some year here on MACK AVENUE. We spread the love far and wide. From the sandy beaches of Scottsdale, AZ with EDDIE COATES, who offered to prove his heterosexuality by sucking our collective cocks and not liking it one bit.
All the way to the city by the Bay, with LEILA SWAN, the talentless cunt that has spent her life being told she is an artist. This self absorbed hack has been deluded enough. Let's see…
I know I made more friends this year… Oh yeah! LADY LILITH!
This woman also hails from San Francisco. Ah yes, who can forget the lovely Lady Lilith? What with the incredible powers she holds over men. Who can forget the time she snuck up behind me in her dungeon and banged on a garbage can with a hammer? I know I can’t. I nearly spilled a cup of coffee on myself. That was a close one. Talk about psychodrama. You know she specializes in BDSM and Yellow teeth (mostly yellow teeth).
So you might ask, what did you accomplish in 2003 besides fucking with people who you don’t know or those who went out of their way to be nice to you? It's funny you would say that. It reminds me it’s not about attacking people in a public forum that has as many eyes on it everyday as a mid-sized city. It’s not about that at all. It’s about the little things. It’s about sticking bitches in closets and making them sleep the night there. It’s about being invited to a close friend's house, taking a dump and wiping your ass with their towels.
That’s what its about you know.
The little things, the things that show you care. Picture the future failed artist walking into the bathroom of the gallery his show is debuting in and spotting the hot smoking dump I left in the bowl and on the floor. See, it's those moments what makes it all worth it, the look on that artist's face was like the look of 1000 children standing at the foot of stairs, eyes fixed on the Christmas tree.
That look makes it all worth it. Like Jesus’ Parable, about the men who perform good deeds so that all may see, and then there are those who do good deeds only for God to see. That’s me: the guy with love in his heart and condom full of Crank shoved up his ass.
God forgive me for even writing your name in this thing.
THE ARGENTINE PREDICTS
THE TRUTH, THE WHOLE TRUTH & NOTHING BUT THE GODDAMNED TRUTH
On a global scale, this year was yet another cataclysmic miasma of culture smashing mediocrity. THE ARGENTINE is, as always, appalled. I will not detail the many offenses that the entertainment/military/industrial complex has perpetrated upon us as a people. It’s depressing and it ruins my appetite.
Suffice it to say that I feel personally violated when reflecting on the shocking, I say, shocking news that MICHAEL JACKSON, pop icon par excellence, wholesome as the day is long, is a pederast and a white woman with a hatchet face that makes PHYLLIS DILLER look like, well, like CHER, only with dignity. And so, without further fanfare, my predictions for 2004:
1) 17 million MICHAEL JACKSON fans pull their oxygen deprived brains out of their asses and turn to Jesus, Allah or Buddha, (depending on geographic location), to fulfill their purposeless lives. Wacko goes to jail for like five minutes before he is raped, mutilated and consumed in a maelstrom of Tasmanian prison devils reminiscent of the scene in “Brazil” where DE NIRO is devoured by the red tape of bureaucracy.
2) SOPHIE EVANS leaves her husband in a moment of clarity, shows up on the doorstep of The Embassy and refuses to leave until I grant her immunity and all the mind altering fucking she can handle. Guess what? I cave in.
3) SKEETER KERKOVE goes missing. No one is detained. No one is arraigned. No one even fucking notices. SkullGame runs a mock tribute. The world pisses itself laughing. THE ARGENTINE is uncharacteristically quiet that month.
4) The Industry finally gets wise and hires THE ARGENTINE to write and produce what will come to be known as the Holy Quintych of Pornography. He is lauded as the adult film amalgam of SCORCESE, KUBRICK and LYNCH. The Party Until the End of the World begins. HUGH HEFNER closes the Mansion a la Willy Wonka when he realizes how childish his efforts have been in comparison.
5) BRITNEY SPEARS gets everything, and I mean everything, she’s got coming to her. In spades. In capital fucking gilded letters. The number of video downloads portraying her demise surpasses the records set by TOMMY “I AM AN ASS” LEE/PAMELAANDERSON LEE ROCK and PARIS HILTON by a factor of approximately a jillion.
