YO VINNIE,
I fucked some girl I just found out was 17 when I fucked her. I had no idea. I'm not a bad guy but I'm increasingly visited by the sneaking sensation that I'm going to find myself bent over a washbasin in the prison laundry. What the fuck should I do?--Gary (by email)

I WON'T TELL NOBODY. HONEST.

Dear Humbert Humbert: Listen. For the first and last time. The statute of limitations on this round of fucking crimes is exactly THREE years. What does this mean? If you fucked her at 11:59 on the night before her 18th birthday alls you gotta do is keep things mellow until THREE years from that date. Simple. Mow her parent's lawn while she sucks off college seniors somewhere. Send her semi-thoughtful birthday presents and finally tell her as many times as you can get her to listen that this daffy fucking idea she has that she was fucked by you? Yup. A total fucking figment of her sick imagination.