FUCK FLICKS IN HER FUTURE? PUNDITS POSIT THAT THERE ARE ONLY 469 MORE DAYS UNTIL BRITNEY SPEARS STARS IN SKULLGAME HARDCORE PORNER LICKETY SPLIT; VINNIE ROSE REPORTED TO BE "VERY FUCKING HAPPY ABOUT THIS."
PillPop Queen BRITNEY SPEARS pulled out of last week's MTV awards ceremony because she had just been dumped by yet another fucking dude who wised up, according to insider reports.
BRITNEY PICTURED HERE WITH HER NEWEST EX-BOYFRIEND COLUMBUS SHORT
SPEARS was said to have cancelled her appearance at the bash and flown home to Louisiana and her toothless and lawn-chaired trailer park resident Mom to lick, long and hard, the wounds slashed in her all-too-fragile ego by yet another guy who fucked her just ONE TIME TOO MANY.
Her publicists had blamed her non-appearance on the standard “a bout of the flu,” which in publicists’ speak means: THE BITCH PILLED THE FUCK UP, JACK.
Dancer and close friend of ENRIQUE IGLESIAS, COLUMBUS SHORT devastated the young star when he walked out on her and went back to his pregnant wife, Brandi, SKULLGAME reports.
OH JESUS CHRIST. WHY WON'T YOU TALK TO ME?!?! I'M JUST GOING TO KEEP CALLING BACK UNTIL YOU TELL ME WHY YOU WON'T LET ME MAKE IT UP TO YOU. CALLING AND CRYING. CRYING AND CALLING. UNTIL...YOU...DIE.
The split comes after Britney was seen being publicly discovered by Columbus in California. She was also seen tongue-deep in his face at a lavish birthday bash she threw for him in New York and was even said to have treated him to a secret love-in in Italy.
A source told SKULLGAME: "It wasn't just MTV she walked out on but all promotion for her new crap-ass album. I mean she was due to play G.A.Y at the Astoria in London last night with Madonna, who sang on her new single. But that's been a disaster in itself as it's, not surprisingly, already dropped out of the US Top 30 in just the past three weeks. She’ll be chewing paste in San Fernando Valley in, well shit, about 469 days, if not sooner, we figure."
THE HALSTONS RUN THE SUCK AND FUCK EXPRESS STRAIGHT THROUGH NICOLE SHERIDAN & TATTOO, WE MEAN, VOODOO
Married couple HOLLY and TROY HALSTON are pulling the standard dementia-based porn act of prestidigitation by trying to preserve their delicate and beautiful union by only fucking and sucking each other on film.
Beautiful. And delicate.
Now that they're working for themselves, however, and the holy bonds, for which there is no bailbondsman, of matrimony are starting to CHAFE as they will, they're breaking all the rules and inviting NICOLE SHERIDAN and her sidekick TATTOO, er, we mean VOODOO, to a suck and fuckfest.
POLESMOKERS ANONYMOUS AND THE BEARDS THAT LOVE THEM: A SKULLGAME EXCLUSIVE!!!
"Our fans have been incredibly loyal in respecting our heartfelt wishes and desires to only have TROY’S coconut juice jerked all over my face like so much Oil of Olay. To only have my dearly beloved fuck my ass. Or to plow my pie," says Holly, "and now that we're starting our own production company, we'd like to give THEM a little thank YOU by opening our wonderful nest of love for two to a nest of love for three. Four if you count the midget."
So subsequent to this announcement, the Halstons flew NICOLE SHERIDAN and TATTOO, er, VOODOO, to Miami to star with them in their latest, "NIP ‘N SUCK." The movie will mark the first time that both Halstons “have performed oral sex with another member of the opposite sex,” they noted while we at SKULLGAME noted the use of the phrase opposite sex.
"We love to watch porn," claims Holly, who after nearly five years in the business remains unjaded, unfazed and very possibly un-clean and un-sober. "We always look for other couples like ourselves, of course, and our favorite has always been NICOLE and TATTOO, er, VOODOO. We said for years that if we were to work with anyone else on camera, it would be those two and after flying them out here, putting them up at a hotel, and paying them to fuck and suck us, I have to say it was one of the best decisions we've ever made."
I’M A WOMAN WHO FUCK MEN’S ASSES FOR A LIVING. AND I VOTE!!!
Over here at THE MACK we get all fucking types. Broads who want to know how to BREAK INTO THE BUSINESS. Broads who wonder what it would feel like to be single-double-or-triple-teamed by some of the world’s most handsome men despite the fact that it’s technically impossible to single-TEAM anyone. And finally broads that wants us to join them in the grand parade of sexual excess that runs through our streets like a tidal wave.
And BECAUSE we care, we do.
Help. Teach. Preach. Share. And, yes, even Care.
So imagine our surprise when the well-appointed VIRGINIA AMY showed up. We gave her the fucking Dracula eye and started in on full-blown MASH mode but she was having none of it. Especially if by IT you mean yards of fucking Italian Sausage.
“So why the fuck are you here?”
“I want to fuck one of your asses!”
MOM? DAD? THIS IS VIRGINIA. MY FRIEND.
“Well EDDIE COATES is presently out of the office but can we ask you a few questions first?”
“Fuck yeah.”
And so we did.
SKULLGAME: The first time you fucked some man ass did you bring it up or did he?
VIRGINIA AMY: Well I was dating a bi ("I mostly like fucking women, but you sure can't beat a good cock now and again") or maybe semi-bi, guy - because he'd been messing around with other guys but not to the point of penetration. Anyway, we'd had a few threesomes with girls and I was really keen to get something together with another guy. I was obsessed with the idea of seeing my guy with a cock in his mouth. And before you think it, let me just say that was not a faggy dude.
SG: No. Of course not. He just liked sucking cock a little. Nothing faggy about being a cockslurping cockfucking sucker at all. Of course not. Jezus Cheerist are you fucking kidding me?!?!?
VA: Well I mean he was your average, big, butch guy. We had outstanding sex. But we were having no luck finding another guy, and then the idea of the strap-on occurred to us. We went to a sex shop run by women, I tried on some various combinations in the dressing room, and he came in with me. I was wearing a skirt and I just hiked it up and put the harness and dildo on underneath. As soon as I had that thing on, he was on his knees. It made us both crazy. Although ass fucking wasn't exactly on MY mind at the time, it must have been on his, cause he talked me down a size on the dildo. (laughs)
"I'M SECURE ENOUGH IN MY MASCULINITY THAT I CAN TAKE A CRANK UP THE KEISTER AND NOT FEEL IN ANY WAYGAYOR NOTHING. I THINK."
SG: Was it fun because it fulfilled that chick thing of answering the question "what's it like to have a cock?"
VA: It was crazy mad fun. Yes it completely fulfills the "what's it like to have a cock" thing. But watching my boyfriend suck cock was the aim. If it was MY cock, all the better! And for me, the blow job part was amazing. The trick is to get a harness (leather is my choice, for the butch factor) with straps that can be positioned to rub against your clit. The first time we did this, I nearly had an orgasm as soon as he got his mouth around the dildo, just because I'd won the fantasy lottery in 3D. I really FELT the cock was mine.
But anyway, you wanted to know about the ass fucking. So, after I've had my jollies with my new cock being sucked, he gets this look in his eye, and he rolls over, and waves his lovely man-ass in my face. So it had to be done. To be honest, this part was a little less satisfying for me. Using a dildo on someone who has never been fucked in the ass before (and when you've never fucked anyone in the ass with a harness before) requires some restraint, because you can't FEEL your way through it, as it were. But don't get me wrong, it was a blast, just not in a directly orgasmic sense. Which is of course, the primary disadvantage of packin' plastic.
But I guess if I was fucking a guy who was more accustomed to visits in the tradesman's entrance (not that it appeals to me particularly, for future reference) I could go at it with more abandon, and have an orgasm just from the fucking.
SG: OK. Fine. Now that we’re thoroughly in the grips of full-blown fucking homo panic can we ask if you at any point wondered: "what kind of fag do I have for a boyfriend?"
VA: (silence) Not with this guy. I think I cured him of his homo tendencies!
SG: OK. Great. We’ll start carrying your ad then. Like as a service to the Christian Right. MISTRESS AMY: MAKES YOU HOMO NO MO’. Genius.
