YO VINNIE,
My girl, who I'll just call, CATHY BURNS, told me when we started dating that she was virgin. Later she says when she saw how excited I was about this she decided to tell me the truth: that she had fucked no fewer than 5000 men while working as a hooker at a massage parlor. I am beside myself. Dump her or keep her?--D.E., Stamford, CN (by email)
Dear Cotton Mather: Dump her or keep her?!!? You gotta be fucking kidding me? Because she's a whore?!?! Because she WAS a whore?!?! And a whore versus WHAT?!?! Look, look, look, okay maybe my sense of proportion is totally fucked, lounging as I do over at MACK AVENUE so much of the time, but I decided to throw this to a committee of cugini just to see what they had to say.
I AM GUILTY OF NOTHING BUT LOVING, NOT POORLY, BUT UNWISELY. AND IN THE ASS. FOR CASH.
GREGORIO: "I have to me, myself, admit that I'd have a hard time taking a so-called Scarlet woman. A woman of the night. Of easy virtue, seriously.
VINNIE: "But you'd still fuck her?"
GREGORIO: "Definitely."
VINNIE: "OK, Sal would you wa..."
ITALIAN SAL: "YES."
VINNIE: "But you didn't even hear the question."
ITALIAN SAL: "Whatever."
PERRY THE GREEK: "Since I believe that the highest form of a relationship is a one-night stand, I'd have to say the presence of commerce and a profit motive is not likely to change my mind. I mean what's his problem anyway? She's HIS girlfriend, right? She USED to be a whore, right? Is he a fag?"
VINNIE: "Well I think he thinks it makes her like a slut and..."
"PERRY THE GREEK: "Every fucking asshole with a cock should know that there's a difference between a SLUT and a WHORE."
And that's the point really. A slut fucks people you have to see later at dinner parties. A whore fucks 5000 guys named JOHN that you'll never have to see again. Make her get an AIDS test and if she greenlights, we here at THE MACK suggest that you just enjoy the fucking ride. Which, because you are a weak tit, you will never, ever do. Ever.
