THE SOUND OF ONE HAND SLAPPING: ASSMASTER TOM "SLAPPY" SIZEMORE CAST IN NEW REALITY MOVIE CALLED SOLEDAD
OH MAN. THIS IS JUST ABOUT THE HAPPIEST GODDAMNED DAY OF MY FUCKING LIFE. AND TO THINK HERE I THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO JAIL
LOS ANGELES (SkullGame) -- Slap Superstar, Slap Actor, and Slap Slapper Tom "SLAPPY" Sizemore was sentenced yesterday to six whole fucking months in jail (and three years of slap-restricted probation) for beating, battering, and bullying his ex-girlfriend, the onetime Hollywood madam/skank Heidi Fleiss.
HE IS GUILTY OF SLAPPING, NOT POORLY, BUT UNWISELY. AND ALL OVER MY ASS.
Superior Court Judge Antonio "Tony Barracho" Barreto Jr. said he will consider reducing Sizemore's jail sentence to 90 days if he "don' slap no more sluts" and is successful in his ho-slapping rehab, and other components of the sentence including domestic violence counseling, anti-crystal meth aversion therapy, and court-appointed movie projects with recovering drunk and slapaholic LIZA MINELLI.
TONY BARRACHO expressed shock, shock, and awe at the slap-filled and storied testimony during Sizemore's trial, which he said revealed a man with a deep, deep, deep, fucking deep problem dealing with broads and battling his continuing belief that no face should go unslapped.
The judge said substance abuse, specifically crystal methamphetamine, may have been a catalyst but said the real cause of the problems is deep, deep, even deeper than that and more than likely has to do with an inability to stop oneself from slapping the shit out of someone for wearing the wrong color shoes, not having enough crystal meth, or cooking dinner.
Meanwhile, Sizemore's friends, fearing the worst, have not been able to tell him that he has in fact been sentenced and have instead told him that he's been cast in an immersive and therapeutic reality film entitled SOLEDAD.
In a prepared statement read today, Sizemore said "I'd like to thank my family for their continued, loving, slap-filled support through this really fucking difficult bullshit period. And I'd like to thank all my fans who I haven't yet slapped but yet continue to be fans, for being fans. And most of all I'd like to put this behind me now and leap into SOLEDAD with both feet. And after that, when the movie wraps, I'm just going back to doing what I've always loved doing best: slapping the shit out of everyone I can get my hands on. Thank you. I wish everyone involved the best."
LANCE ARMSTRONG IS FUCKING SANDRA BULLOCK IN A TOUR DE FORCE OF SEXUAL EXCESS, PERVERSION AND TENDER ROMANCE
NEW YORK (Skullgame) -- Actor and JULIA ROBERTS impersonator SANDRA BULLOCK is, according to the bullshitters that care about this bullshit, fucking Ironman LANCE ARMSTRONG.
The couple have been seen in New York buying condoms by the dozen instead of those little three packs and the romance is so intense that Bullock, foolishly, sees a long-term future with the Tour de France champ.
MAN. THAT JULIA ROBERTS HAS SOME RACK
"She is absolutely smitten. She really believes Lance could be the one," Lance's Career was quoted as saying. "But when race season gets here he'll predictably stop answering his phone or returning her increasingly desperate messages. Next stop, per usual: restraining order."
"C'mon, he's successful, determined, a survivor and, let's not forget, gorgeous. No way he's going to be tied down to ol' what'sherface."
ISTANBUL? CONSTANTINOPLE! BUS BROTHEL SIDELINED BY THE MAN
The totally fucking genius sign on the front of the generally unremarkable looking bus read "Come try something different with us" but riders were shocked to find out that in this instance "different" meant hot fucking burkah'd cocksucking and fucking.
And police in Istanbul say the four people running Turkey's first brothel-on-wheels may be breaking the law.
NEXT STOP? YOUR WALLET. MELLOW COCONUT OIL. AND A NAP.
The woman owner of the bus, her driver and two Semen Extraction Specialists were detained on Sunday for questioning for running the traveling sex tour, it was reported Monday.
Prostitution is legal in one of the greatest countries in the world for non-drug smugglers, Turkey, but only in registered brothels.
The four had been roaming along a national highway near Istanbul for the past two months, making several stops to greet passenger-clients in the bus' bed and shower-equipped rooms, before sucking their cocks like there was no tomorrow which, sadly, seems to be the case for these winners of the first ANNUAL SKULLGAME AWARD FOR SEX INNOVATION.
Accepting the award for FERID TABI was Slaptastic TOM SIZEMORE whose acceptance speech rambled long and hard before concluding with "Ask not whose face you can slap. Ask whose slap you can face!"
