LOS ANGELES (SkullGame)--Statuesque man-girl beauty DARYL HANNAH's CAREER held a press conference today wherein it expressed relief, shock and amazement that it's taken her this long to "get her shit together."
PUBLICITY STUNT OR DOUBLE-TITTED ATTEMPT AT CONTINUED POP CULTURE RELEVANCY? AND OH YEAH: SHE'S NOT STONED OUT OF HER MIND ON DRUGS NEITHER
"I was ready to call it a day after Rescuers: Stories of Courage: Two Families (1998)," said aforementioned CAREER. "But when PLAYBOY came along and offered her more cash than we've seen since, well, since 1995's Grumpier Old Men, I urged her to do what any self-respecting CAREER would want done: to stumble all the fuck over herself to get her hands on that cash."
Reports can neither be confirmed nor denied at this time that she plans on making her hardcore debut as soon as "the rest of the money runs the fuck out."
OOOOHHH…WE’RE LIKE THAT CLOSE TO FUCKING JULI ASHTON
US MINUS HER EQUALS LONELINESS
SAN JOSE PARKING LOT (SkullGame)—Porn Star and all around hot bitch around town recently called our CUGINO EUGINO and the following conversation took place.
No lie.
“Hi. Can I speak to Gino?”
“What? Who the fuck is this?”
“Ummmmmmm.” Long pause. More silence. “Juli? JULI ASHTON.”
“Ohhhhhh, yeaaahhhhh. Heyyyyyy Juli. How the hell are you?”
“Fine. You had just wanted to interview me and so….”
“Yeah yeah, FUCK all that baby. What’s been happening?”
“Well I’m leaving for Jamaica now so if you want an interview…”
“I just want what’s best for you, baby. And in this instance I think that’d be my cock.
“Ok. Look. I’ll just call you when I get back and….”
“Wait, wait, wait!!!”
“What?!?”
“Take me with you, baby. I could keep you warm on those hot Jamaica nights and I could….”
[Dialtone.]
PISSPOT BRITNEY SPEARS TAKING LEAKS ALL OVER THE GODDAMNED PLACE
SANTA BARBARA (SkullGame)--Pop star Britney Spears shocked the fuck out of pals and waiters by urinating on a public beach after a night of huffing the muggles, groping the greenies, and getting all like hopped up on The Drugs.
The one-time squeaky-clean singer was enjoying herself with pals at Santa Barbara's Four Season's Hotel last weekend when the unpleasant incident took place.
CAN’T SOMEONE PISS IN PRIVATE IN THE MIDDLE OF A RESTAURANT ANYMORE?
An onlooker explains, "It was a very unusual night. The group sat outside, then moved in after the meal. They were in high spirits, drinking, smoking, cuddling, sucking and even fucking.
"Britney then jumped up and joined the restaurant pianist to sing some or like FIVE of her goddamned new songs. We just wanted her to stop. But you could tell she thought she was very good in that kind of disgustingly self-satisfied way that those fucking pricks on Star Search used to have. Kind of like the kid you waited for to toss an ass-kicking to. Anyways, everyone was impressed. Especially is by ‘everyone’ you mean, the two waiters who’d have hopped to for Hitler if it meant a better tip."
The party then ventured outside to the beach: the spy continues, "It was UNGODDAMNEDBELIEVABLE. The four of them were huddled at the water's edge, then Britney staggered and drunkenly dropped her jeans and flung her piss-dribbling privates into the sand where she pissed like a race horse.
"Her friend also went and they didn't seem embarrassed doing it in front of the boys, or waiters. Straight after that, the boys took of their shirts, picked up the girls and raced into the water to give that nasty snatch a good swabbing down since the later party was understood to be having a railroad motif, they wanted it seawater fresh for the pounding that was afoot. In any case it was a wild fucking evening and that’s the goddamned truth."
