YO VINNIE,
I have a fetish. Well, no, it's not a fetish. It's. Well. Shit. I like to steal. Shoplift. Whatever. I can be wandering around a 7-11 and in fact frequently DO wander around 7-11's with a dick stiff like a brick. Slip a chapstick in my pocket, run back out to my car and jerk off like jerking off is going out of style, but OF COURSE I'm concerned that my hobby might be causing me problems. Especially if I got caught. I am a lawyer.--G.N. (by email)

Dear Dr. Phibes: What the fuck is wrong with you?!?!? What the fuck is wrong with YOU?!!? Why can't you steal like other fucking lawyers do?? Hunh? I swear to god if I see you wandering around my fucking 7-11 with some chapstick in your pocket and a hard on (is that a chapstick in your pocket or are you just glad to catch a beating from me?), I'm going to throw you a beating you degenerate fuck. Thanks for writing.