ODD COUPLES TOTALLY FUCK WITH NATION'S HEAD
BEING JOHN MALKOVICH: A CLEARLY COBBLED JENNA JAMES TRIES HER BEST TO MAINTAIN
Timothy "Laughing All the Way to The Goddamned Bank" Greenfield-Sanders' "XXX: 30 Porn Stars," a collection of portraits of 30 of the leading names in pornographic film, including JENNA JAMESON, Chad Hunt, RON JEREMY, and SUNRISE ADAMS?!?!...now wait one goddamned minute....
Who'd THAT zero SUNRISE ADAMS have to blow to get into Greenfield-Col. Sanders' book?!?
Oh yeah. Timothy Hutton-Greenfield-Col. Sanders I guess.
A PRIMER: SUCKING YOUR WAY TO "YES"
Anyways they are clothed and unclothed, and accompanied by 15 texts on pornography and culture by a stellar team of writers including Adam Gopnik, JOHN WATERS, Francine DuPlessix Gray, Nancy Friday, Adrian Nicole LeBlanc, and JOHN "Anything for a Buck" MALKOVICH.
"Un-goddamned-believable," a stunned nation exclaimed.
MAD ABOUT MADISON
MOM? DAD? WHAT'S FELLATIO?
Kismet will kick your ass. First you're thinking about shrimp. Then you pass a restaurant that's advertising shrimp. Next thing you know you're writing an intro that's in total, completely shrimp-based, and so the point is this: no matter where the roads go they all lead to Rome, baby.
So it was that MACK AVENUE SKULLGAME got a visit by one of the FINALISTS in the porn world's version of AMERICAN IDOL, entitled appropriately enough THE BLOWJOB CHALLENGE.
And it was MADISON.
She of the red hair, green eyes, piercings and tattoos. Twenty-two years old and hotter than a mexican's lunch.
But what the fuck's it mean to be a finalist on BLOWJOB CHALLENGE? It means that the women competing ostensibly suck a meaner cock than the other women on there. It means that based on visual evidence a preponderance of blowjob aficionados agreed and voted, in this instance, for MADISON, enough times that she stands to steal 1000 simolians from other Suck Queens for the total stunningness of her suckitage.
This could only mean one thing: we had to meet her.
And we did. We did. Read on while we recover with a beer and a sandwich.
SKULLGAME: Was there a point at which you, you know, decided that your calling in life was to suck a better cock than other cocksuckers?
MADISON: Well, I'm from Ohio.
SG: Which is round on the ends and high in the middle.
M: (pause)...annnnddd, well I was having questions about things that weren't being answered that I wanted the answers to. And I wasn't getting them from my friends. Or my family.
SG: Such as what? Like why the hell am I in such a godforsaken hell hole as Ohio?
M: Well, like about masturbation.
SG: There ain't no forum for that at home anyway. "Mom? Dad? I get a funny feeling when I stick candles in my cooch. What's it mean?" I mean unless you're Paula Poundstone's kid.
M: Yeah, but they weren't talking about ANYTHING. And compare that with out here in California. I mean I almost can't fuck without a video camera in the room...
SG: (generalized trembling)
M:...I'm always getting my roommates to run in and film me while I masturbate.
SG: (mumbling) So, you, you you, jus-jus-just came to California and started having people filming you sucking cock and masturbating?
M: Well I started off as an artist's model, then discovered that I liked that a lot. Then I did some modeling for Good Vibrations. And then my own art started to change. I play in a band. Play guitar with a vibrator. Got a gallery space. Then Blowjob Challenge. But it turns me on, is the simple answer. An answer that's sometimes not so simple to get to when you're in Ohio.
SG: So we have Ohio to thank/blame for your wayward ways. Hey wait a minute though: if you win the Big Grr are you gonna take us to dinner?
M: Haha. Well...
SG: Probably not, right? Well that's okay. So I guess fucking you is totally out of the question, right?
M: Well....
SG: It'll change your fucking life, baby.
M: So will a car crash.
SG: Well you want to do some test dummy work you know which dummies to call.
M: You?
SG: Fucking AAAAAAA...
ARE YOU PUNCHING YOURSELF IN THE FACE YET?
ITALIAN SALVO!!!
BOBBY BROWN TRIES FOR COME BACK
Motherfuckers at Mack Avenue SkullGame Report Not Being This Happy Since Harold Melvin Left The Bluenotes
Bobby Brown in the Hoosegow?
Non-drug user and pseudo celebrity Bobby "Put My Pipe Down" Brown was arrested this last Friday in Atlanta, Georgia while dining with his wife, also a known non-drug abuser, Whitney Houston at Red Lobster. Police in Atlanta released a statement on Saturday saying that Brown was picked up on a probation violation for not attending a court ordered drug treatment program and taken to the De Kalb County Jail where he was housed with a shit load of other guys that don’t do drugs and/or were framed. When asked to comment my next- door neighbor Phil said. “Bobby who?”
I am quite sure that Bobby will clear this up right away, proving beyond a reasonable doubt that neither he nor his wife has ever done drugs. Upon completion of that task Bobby will begin assisting OJ in finding those who really murdered his wife.
In a related story, it turns out my next-door neighbor Phil is not a pole smoker after all. While I was returning from a coffee shop I seen Phil on his way out with some chick who from the outset seems to have been born a biological woman; Phil had his hand in her back pocket and it didn’t seem at all like he was looking for her wallet. Way to go, my very feminine neighbor Phil. She looks like she was born a chick to me.
I KNOW DRUG USING FELONS. I'VE BEEN FRIENDS WITH DRUG USING FELONS. BUT ME, SIR, AM NOTHING LIKE ANY VARIETY OF DRUG USING FELON.
ME NEITHER!!!
