BEN AFFLECK BOLTS. THEN REALIZES HE'S BEN AFFLECK AND BOLTS RIGHT STRAIGHT BACK.

America, a country recovering from the twin catastrophes of 9/11 and the three-day blackout wherein nothing at all was written about singer/songwriter/actress/designer/diva/and wanna-be director Jennifer Lopez, or J. Lo, has greeted the news of her recently revealed snatch photos with a certain amount of sadness.

"I thought I had seen it all," said Professional Fat Man and Director Kevin Smith. "Only to discover that despite my close proximity to said snatch that I had never really seen IT. I greeted this realization with a certain amount of, I don't know...sadness, mitigated only by the fact that I have now seen it and life is once again: beautiful."

Despite the sadness, shock, and surprise that America also feels at having missed out on the one previously unphotographed part of the J. Lo juggernaut, the quim in question said at a press conference recently called to address the two New Orleans shutterbugs and their following series of snatch-tastic snaps "We're looking at various substrate options now from lunch boxes, key fobs, and toothbrushes to Hummers, umbrellas, and dog dishes. It's just a brand new world out there and after the stink of "Gigli" we really needed something like this to, you know, bring back the dream. We hope you enjoy these photos as much as we enjoy being part of J. Lo's private parts team."

I'M READY FOR MY CLOSE UP MR. DE MILLE

WITH SOME HOCUS POCUS, YOU'RE IN FOCUS

SHOWS OVER. NOTHING TO SEE HERE. MOVE ALONG.

GARY "BUDDY HOLLY" BUSEY RECENTLY OFFERED CABINET POSITION
Claims to Be High on "Life"

DATELINE: ITALIAN SALVO

Action star and drunken lunatic Gary Busey has, according to unnamed sources, recently been offered a high-level cabinet position in the dithering post-war Bush Administration. When asked to offer reasons why, Press Secretary Ari Fleischer stated: “California has Schwarzenegger, we got Busey!”

THE FRIGHTENING AND IMPLACABLE GARY BUSEY DRESSED UP AS A HOT BROAD WITH A MAGIC WAND

In a side note, political insiders believe that French Prime Minister Jacques Chirac, in a bid to not be outdone, has recently hired Todd Bridges and Danny Bonaduce to prominent positions within his government. When reached for comment, Acting Press Secretary and French icon Jerry Lewis said: “Hey LADY!” and then intermittently jumped up and down and rubbed his chest and buttocks.

The Busey move, however, was not at all unforeseen. Busey has consistently had his fingers on the political pulse in Washington, that is if having ones fingers on the pulse of Washington includes hiding naked in your neighbors bushes and consuming incredibly large amounts of Crystal Meth and cheese sandwiches. Busey, in keeping with a Bush administration policy, has neither confirmed nor denied these rumors, but however did offer a cryptic closing commentary: “These cucumbers are never as good as they look in the ads.”

MASTERS OF VIKING METAL: ENSLAVED will just fucking KILL YOU!!!

Since they began their career more than 10 years ago, ENSLAVED are the undisputed masters of Viking metal. Their latest album, “Below the Lights,” is another triumph for these nasty fucking Norwegians. I chatted with guitarist and song writer Ivar Peersen, who, being a metaller, naturally is a porn enthusiast. Here’s what he had to say. --Steely Rob

ENSLAVED WITH STEELY ROB (middle) RIGHT BEFORE THE SODOMY BEGINS

SkullGame: Who are your favorite stars? Is there a certain kind of porn you like?

Ivar Peerson: I like some of the classics, like CHRISTY CANYON and JENNA JAMESON.

CHRISTY CANYON: YET ANOTHER WOMAN WAY BEYOND IVAR'S REACH

SG: Do you see any connection between metal and porn?

IP: I guess it’s the same kind of connection you’d find with any other kinds of music.

SG: Really?

IP: Maybe not jazz... But there’s a strong connection between [metal and porn]. The kind of image of the girls you find in porn is a lot similar to what you find in metal.

SG: Do you get much action as a result of being in Enslaved?

IP: Hohoho. Oh, no. I can promise you that the direct result of being in Enslaved in terms of getting action would be pretty close to zero. If you ask other band members, they’d have more exciting answers. After the show, people will come up to me and ask where the Enslaved guys are. I usually point in the other direction.

SG: Would you fuck a porn star on camera?

IP: ...I would like to. But I’ve read a lot about it and seen some interviews with the guys in the industry, who say that it looks like a dream job, but you don’t see the guy with the microphone next to you, or the guys yelling at you. But I’d definitely like to give it a try.

SG: How about if the other members of Enslaved were involved?

IP: Hohoho. We’ve seen each other in awkward positions before, so guess that wouldn’t pose the big problem. The actual porn star and film crew would be a bigger challenge.

To read more about Enslaved’s new album, Below the Lights, click here.