IF AT FIRST YOU DON'T SUCCEED IN YOUR TOTALLY PREDICTABLE AND DICKHEADED ATTEMPTS AT COVER-UP THEN HIRE AN EXPENSIVE MOUTHPIECE FOR EVERY SLUT WHO SAW YOU MUNCH THE SHAG ON THE NIGHT IN QUESTION

It's a mystery wrapped up in a riddle and disguised as an enigma. That would be the sudden appearance of the high-powered law firm Rintala, Smoot, Jaenicke and Rees in the corner of one hired slut, Antonella Santini. While it is not publicly known if Rintala, Smoot, Jaenicke and Rees have been previously identified with unregenerate whores in the past in a professional and legal capacity, what is known is that the firm maintains a long time association with The Talentless One's attorney Marty Singer.

When reached for comment the intransigent has-been Affleck loudly exclaimed "BRING ME THE WHORES!!!

WE IN NO WAY, SHAPE OR FORM MEAN TO IMPLY THAT JENNIFER LOPEZ, BETTER KNOWN AS J. LO, HAS EXCHANGED SEX FOR MONEY

THOUGH THIS NUDE PHOTO OF J.LO FUCKING, FOR WHICH SHE GOT PAID AMPLY, SEEMS TO STRONGLY SUPPORT THE OPPOSITE CONCLUSION

PHISH BASSIST ACCUSED OF MAKING SUBSTANDARD MUSIC. OH. AND ENDANGERING A CHILD OF 9, AND TRESPASSING.

First BILLY PRESTON and now THIS.

Following a concert in Wantagh, New York, of the equally desperate and still living former members of THE GRATEFUL DEAD, now known as THE DEAD, the bass player for Phish, MIKE GORDON, 38, was arrested on Aug. 11, after the Hell's Angel parents of a 9-year old girl became concerned when she could not find the youngster in the asshole-laden backstage area at Jones Beach Theater in Long Island, New York State Park Police Maj. Richard O’Donnell said in a statement.

"I'm sure we've only slipped on the surface of what this fucking degenerate motherfucker whose largely actionable but as of yet unprosecuted crimes of putting out 'Billy Breathes' represents. My sense after 20 years on the force is that this is just the beginning of a much more gooned out iceberg." Gordon and the girl were found together in an enclosed boathouse that is part of the backstage area taking "art photos" and doing god only knows what. "Phish, however, was not performing at the concert. Thank Jesus," police said.

Marcia Horowitz, a spokeswoman for the band, issued what she described as a joint statement from Gordon and the girl’s family. The statement called the incident “an unfortunate misunderstanding, and we look forward to putting this matter of Gordon's plundering penis that knows nor recognizes any reasonable bonds, way, way, way behind us.”

The girl's father, however, beat the living shit out of Gordon, for which a chorus of onlookers, well-wishers, and rubber neckers cheered when they found out who he was.

"Look. If you knew Mike at all, you'd know he doesn't live on planet Earth, " said Ropeadope Records President Andy Hurwitz, who is releasing Gordon's, oh my good god NO, solo record next Tuesday.

In one final comment Gordon himself spoke: "Tell Andy he's not helping one fucking bit."


MEMBERS OF CRAP-ASS BAND PHISH WITH PETE TOWNSEND COHORT AND ALLEGED CHILD MOLESTER MIKE GORDON (FAR LEFT)

A BLEARY BEVY OF BESOTTED BEAUTIES: GIRLS WHO DRINK AND DO IT!!!!

MACK AVENUE SKULLGAME presents the LIQUOR LOVE corner
By HABIB

It is official, the broads love Deeze Nutz.

Ok, so I thought I HAD perfected the world’s greatest fucking pants removal drink, but I hadn’t. So here is the new recipe. Mix it and weep…tears of happiness when those sluice gates open.

DEEZE NUTS
1 and 1/2oz Malibu
1/2oz Amarretto
fill equal parks Orange and Cran
Float 1 oz Frangelico
Garnish with 2 cherries twisted or skewered together, and teabag them into drink before serving

DRUNKEN BITCHES!

Now the women who frequent my club were devastated when I offered this to them, and at some points wanted to slap the crap out of me (too bad they didn’t) for what I was charging for it, but once I put Deeze Nutz in their mouths it was a whole different story. They were on it like a stripper on a pole.

Upcoming variations

Deeze Nutz That Itch
Deeze Nutz In Your Mouth
Deeze Hairy Nutz
Deeze Nutz Bouncing Off Your Forehead