KOBE BRYANT TO SKANK: "GET ME THE BUTTER."
Well unbeknownst to you motherfuckers on the MACK, when Vinnie rolls it he rolls it HARD--balling with pro ballers like Cedrick Ceballos, Alonzo Mourning, Chris Webber, Magic Johnson et al--so I know stuff. I know stuff I shouldn't know. Stuff you couldn't know. Stuff you wouldn't WANT to know and so without divulging my sources we will explain what happened to alleged rapist Kobe Bryant and victim-celebrity hound skag in a heart-warming one act.
NOW WIDELY DISCREDITED PHOTO OF ALLEGED CELEBRITY SLAM POUND
ALLEGED RAPIST: Hey, thanks for the tour. If you're not doing anything later stop by my room.
CRAZED HO: Oh cool. Great.
[Later.]
CRAZED HO: What a great view.
ALLEGED RAPIST: If you like that, take a look AT THIS!
CRAZED HO: Oh yeah, baby.
[Coitus ensues. Completes. And after a proper refractory period, a sandwich, a beer and a furtive call to the wife, begins to ensue again.]
ALLEGED RAPIST: Say, you ever had a pro basketball player fuck you in the ass?
CRAZED HO: Hunh? What? I...
[curtain closes, DA's called, play's over]
Now according to my sources it was NOT the Ass Attack that bothered her so much as it was Kobe's, eh, apparent GIRTH that made it, a-hem, a tight fit and therefore something probably worth complaining about.
So the entire case will hinge on whether or not his cock was big enough to cause signs of trauma to her round eye that seem to support the contention of rape.
So forget the ex-boyfriends, friends and family that say she's
1) Nuts
2) a celebrity hound
or
3) prone to falling on bottles
Kobe's ass, so to speak, hangs in the balance of a sling that's totally dependent on whether or not her asshole has been worked.
And so it goes that the Air Apparent, in his quest to be like Mike, confused the Jordan with the Tyson, and went all Deliverance on some Darva Conger while having to do the Clinton Crawl back to the wifey in a joke whose punchline has still not been written.
Ah, Kobe, we hardly knew ye.
WHO KILLED BAMBI?!?!?
Fucking Genius Michael Burdick got an entire nation to not only fall for the "RICH DUDES HUNT NAKED CHICKS WITH PAINTBALL SCAM" but got even more mileage out of it for his website that sells said video when it was revealed that there were no actual hunts EVEN THOUGH the video was REAL.
Read it and weep...that he beat you to it.
Now Burdick is looking at legal repercussions because the crazy as batshit MAYOR of Las Vegas who has been quoted as having said with a totally straight face "I'll do everything I can to see this man is punished for trying to embarrass Las Vegas," is trying to get him thrown in jail for operating a business without a license.
The brass-balled Burdick said by way of FUCK YOU "I have a licence; it's hanging on my wall."
Fuck you. My Name Is Wile. E. Coyote: SuperGenius.
So while we sing the goddamned praises of Mr. Burdick might we also suggest that we expand the purview of his SHOOTING NAKED CHICKS WITH PAINT BALLS to include a whole raft of naked people we'd like to hunt and shoot with paintballs in no particular order
CONDOLEEZA RICE
COKIE ROBERTS (just for the name alone)
AL BORDA
CHARLIE SHEEN
and last but not least
JENNA BUSH
We're just some fucking dudes with a dream. But if we hope long enough. And hard enough, it just might come true.
YEAH. SURE. NOW, SHUT THE FUCK UP.
Octagenarian comedian and Weird Al Yankovic influencer Jerry Lewis was recently quoted as saying that MARILYN MONROE couldn't have been banging JFK because she was banging him.
Yeah. Right.
No really fellas. I DID. I DID FUCK HER!!!
