"The PENIS. She is BIG, no?”—THE ARGENTINE

“She looked at me as if I was a BUG.”—Marlon Brando, The Wild One

“Hey Sal?”

“Yeah?”

“Look at that broad over there. No not the one with the huge chimichangas. No, no, no, not the one sliding around that brass pole like a barber stripe. The one over there who looks all like she writes really sensitive poetry and shit.”

"I am in a Living Hell. Rescue me. YOU. Yes you in the vicodin-haze with the blurry camera. Please rescue me.

“Yeah. I sees her.”

“Doesn’t she look all fucking lonely standing there at that table with this pained expression on her face like she’s just eaten a lemon.”

“Yeah, I…”

“I mean I know I make jokes about these fucking mamaluks that run around thinking that they have to SAVE the girls of porn FROM porn but, but…. Well, I think we should save her. You know, like act like we give a fuck that she’s alive for any other reason than our degenerate fantasies.”

“OK!”

And so we stride over there with the dutiful step of men on a mission to, yessss, SUNRISE ADAMS

“So, uh, Sunrise. Can we talk to you for a minute?”

Total Silence.

“We’re from SKULLGAME.COM and we’d like to talk to you for a few.”

Total Silence. And then: MUTUAL CONTEMPT.

“Bark once for yes, please.”

“OK. I mean if you have questions.”

“Jesus Christ. Yes, we have questions. OK. So did you have to go through much coming up with that fucking name? Like did you say ‘hmmm…Sunshine? No, No, that’s not right. Moonshine? No, no. SunShade? Nope. Ahhh…SunRISE! That’s IT!!!’"

“No. I mean SUNSET Adams is my aunt.”

"Sunrise, Sunset, Slowly makes the Day!"

“Really. Family gatherings must be a blast. But it was that simple, hunh?”

Total fucking silence.

“So does "VIVID suck? I mean do you think we need to go in there all Travis Bickle and shoot up the joint to rescue you from a lifetime of handing out free photos with your scribbling on them to guys who can’t read anyway?”

“No. I mean they’ve been GREAT to work for, you know what I mean?”

“No I don’t. Actually.”

Total, cricket-creaking silence.

“So, ah, what do you…. Oh fuck this….”

The END.

So imagine our surprise when this broad shows up on TV for something other than a story involving Charlie Sheen or Bruce Willis.

You know how to whistle, don't you? Just put your lips together and blow.

and opens her mouth and actually strings a sentence together to say something other than

“Oh. Look at me! I’m Sunrise Adams. I’m cool. I wear glasses. I speak English. Barely.”

So in case you don't want to watch "TV, watch her here and count how many times she says "I mean."

I mean just what the fuck does she mean anyway?

“MAN SENTENCED TO 10-YEAR TERM AFTER CAR CRASH WHILE HAVING SEX”—MONMOUTH, ILL (AP)

A man has been sentenced to 10 years in prison for a crash that killed his girlfriend while they were having sex behind the wheel.

Sonny Morris El, 32, was convicted last month of aggravated driving while under the influence of drugs but acquitted of reckless homicide in the January 2002 crash that killed Kristina Valerio, 25, who was on Morris El’s lap as he drove. The vehicle collided with a tractor trailer.”

You know you’re in big fucking trouble when they use all three of your names. BIG fucking trouble.