Yo Vinnie,
I'd like to maybe review some porn for you all. I'm a funny fucking writer but every time the topic comes up there's a lot of hemming and hawing from my old lady's side of the table and some chatter about how she never thought she'd have to explain what her boyfriend did for a living by telling lies to her parents and so on. What do y'all do? That is presuming you all have old ladies. -- Doc (by email)

"AND I SUPPOSE YOU ACTUALLY LIKE CHICKS LIKE THAT, HUNH?!?! HUNH?!? YOU KNOW, CHICKS WITH SHAVED UNDERARMS & PUSSIES?!?! WHO DON'T SMELL LIKE AXLE GREASE? WITH NICE FUCKING TITS?!?!? I GUESS THAT'S JUST THE KIND OF PATRIACHAL PENIS WORSHIPPING KIND OF MAN YOU ARE, HUH?!?!?"

YES.

Dear I AM GAY: Look. You wanna know what the biggest bullshit con in town is? It's this: "I don't like condoms because they ruin the sensation." This is one fucking white lie of the white glacier variety that has legs because against type men have honored their gender-imperative, kept omerta and decided to have the world really believe that this is fucking WHY we hate condoms.

Yeah, well, the real reason?

If it fucks with, or could possibly fuck with, or even remotely fuck with, the possibility of wood, well, most of us just as soon leave it the fuck be. You want the truth? The Truth you can't fucking handle?!? Well, that's it.

And on the distaff side? The bullshit is what you're getting regarding porn "blah blah...blah...blah...politics...power....parents....objectifying....demeaning....blah..." It's a fucking lie and it's a lie they're shooting for because, well, because it worked LAST TIME, but the reality? Broads ain't universally digging this shit because they're surmising, sometimes rightly so, that this is the standard against which they will now be measured.

What to do?

Absolutelyfucking nothing. Outside of calling me and ordering up some more porn for review. Into each life a little fucking rain must fall; and if this is the worst thing she's got to deal with, well she should count her goddamned lucky stars.