"THANKS to SkullGame Brand Edge Weapons I find that when going to South By Southwest [SXSW] I can more effectively deal with vocal detractors than almost ever before," says OXBOW Security Head SUK MUK DIK. "Muuuucchhhh more effectively," he concludes, staring wistfully into the distance.
"THANK YOU SOOOOOO MUCH, SKULLGAME. SOOOO MUCH."
JESSICA SIMPSON WISES THE FUCK UP IN REGARDS TO THE NATURE OF HER TRUE APPEAL: MORE TITTIE, LESS FUCKING SINGING
A PRE-BOOB JOB JESSICA BELTING OUT A BOUNCY NUMBER THAT ABSOLUTELY NO ONE WHO AIN'T GAY WANTS TO EVEN FUCKING HEAR.
LOS ANGELES (SkullGame) -- Singer-turned-actress JESSICA SIMPSON has hinted she's ready to abandon her music career for good, despite being contracted to release another three records, and in light of hearing absofuckinglutely no argument from anyone else living on this planet.
The "star" made her "acting" debut in last year's The Dukes of Hazzard and now wants to pursue a Hollywood "career." However, the sadists at Sony music insist the starlet is contracted for at least another three albums. But Simpson says, "Music will always be my passion, but I don't have to do it professionally. It's just not really about that for me anymore. I feel like I don't have to look at it as a career. I can just rest in it and just be."
Whatever. Show us your tits.
THANK YOU. SORT OF.
BETTIE PAGE MARVELS AT BANK STATEMENT AS FAT BITCHES WORLDWIDE USE FORMER PINUP VIXEN’S HEAVILY MARKETED AND ENORMOUS ASS AS FURTHER EXCUSE TO CONTINUE GORGING ON HOSTESS PRODUCTS WHILST SHAMELESSLY PURCHASING HOT TOPIC APPAREL. “WE’RE BIG, WE’RE BEAUTIFUL, WE’RE RICH…WELL, NOT SO MUCH. MORE YOU THAN WE. ON ALL COUNTS. MINUS THE FAT BITCH PART,” A NATION OF EATBEASTS PROCLAIMS, WHILE CREDIT CARDS ARE MAXED OUT IN COLLECTIVE CASE OF DELUSION OF GRANDEUR.
COUNTESS SNACKULA, PROUD OWNER OF OVER 5 BETTIE PAGE AIR FRESHNERS, 4 OF WHICH ARE CURRENTLY ATTACHED TO HER “NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS” STOCKINGS, ADDS TO THE WASHED UP FORMER BEAUTY QUEEN’S EXHORBITANT BANK ACCOUNT BY PEERING, AS ONLY MEDUSA COULD, INTO HER BRAND NEW BETTIE PAGE WEBCAM—WHICH, ACCORDING TO BOTH THE COUNTESS AND THE WORLD, DOESN’T WORK NEARLY AS WELL AS THE BOX WOULD HAVE US BELIEVE.
LOS ANGELES (SkullGame)—BETTIE PAGE and her once load-worthy breasticles are reportedly garnering more attention, and cash, than ever before, thanks solely to what Ms. Page labels as “the fat and the unlovable young women of America that think that sporting thighs that emit smells not unlike bacon upon their frictional…um…frictionality is somehow probable cause for giving me lots of money for postcards bearing my visage. And titties. But mostly my titties.”
BETTIE [RIGHT] WAITING FOR HER FATTIE CHECK. 55 FUCKING YEARS AGO.
The former pin-up sensation reared her cantankerous and liver-spotted head to shakily sign autographs at CMG offices in Hollywood after spending years hiding from the limelight; claiming that Narcissus’ pool isn’t quite as lovely to gaze in when all that is reflected back is the barrel of a gun.
Her website—www.bettiepage.com--has received an estimated 588 million hits in the past five years.
Page reflected on her career during the signing, stating “Being in the nude isn't a disgrace unless you're being promiscuous about it. After all, when God created Adam and Eve, they were stark naked. And in the Garden of Eden, God was probably naked as a jaybird too!"--proof positive that time can take the hot out of a bitch real quick, but not so much the stupid.
Page, 82, has been slowed in recent years by ailments including diabetes and stabbing pains in her back, legs and hands while her fans have been slowed by growing foodbabies and a wide array of impulse items at local Hot Topic faggot outlets.
In related news, a film about the sexpot, The Notorious Bettie Page, is scheduled for release in April. Page has complained that the word notorious is "not flattering," but the film's producer, Pam Koffler, said it was an exercise in irony before dangling shiny objects in front of her and pointing out puppies on the sidewalk.
STEROIDS? HEALTHY!!! SAYS NEW REPORT BY AMERICAN INSTITUTE OF EXTREME ANGER.
THE INSTITUTE'S TRADING CARD SERIES: BRADY ANDERSON, PICTURED HERE, RESPONDING TO A BAT BOY SAYING HELLO.
NEW YORK (SkullGame) - Anabolic steroid users may behave aggressively for a long time after stopping the drug, but the behavior -- and some of the brain changes linked to it -- may be reversible, animal research suggests, says Dr. Richard H. Melloni Jr., AIEA's inspector general.
In an experiment with teenage hamsters given anabolic steroids, scientists found that the animals continued to chase and bite their brethren for days whilst sobbing, threatening suicide and complaining about sexual dysfunction during withdrawal from the muscle-building hormones.
At the same time, activity in the brain's vasopressin system, which is linked to aggression, was elevated in the steroid-treated hamsters. After a couple weeks, however, both vasopressin activity and aggression subsided -- suggesting, the researchers say, that teenagers' use of anabolic steroids may have lasting but reversible effects on behavior and the vasopressin system.
But that doesn't mean that anabolic steroids aren't so bad after all, stressed Melloni. "The promising part of the study is that it suggests (the aggression) will go away over time," he told SkullGame. But the "disturbing part," he added, is that it could take a good while. Adding, "What the fuck did you say? What?!? WHO THE FUCK TOLD YOU TO SAY FUCKING ANYTHING YOU MOTHERFUCKING FUCK!?!? HUNH?!?! HUNH?!?!? AGGGGHHHHHH...."
STRIKEFORCE STRIKES SAN JOSE IN MMA SHOCKER. SAL PACINO REPORTS FROM FRONTLINE
SKULLGAME SPONSORED FIGHTER GILBERT MELENDEZ [CHECK THE SHORTS] BRINGS THE WRATH OF GOD DOWN ON THE MONEY GRUBBING HAWAIIAN HARRIS SARMIENTO FOR A [NOTHER] QUICK WIN
SAN JOSE (SkullGame) -- Strikeforce, the mirage, the myth the main event, while it was in fact a record setting event for California; setting box office records for mixed martial arts events across the US with approximately 19,000 fans in attendance, the Strikeforce event in and of itself did not stray far from its provincial protective San Jose roots it developed as a Semi-Pro kickboxing event that would pit local fighters against less skilled journeymen fighters in a bid to “give the [local] fans what they want.”
The thinly veiled creative matchmaking, that which brought the record-setting attendance to fruition, in this instance, was part and parcel of the problem. With local fighters like Cung Le, a Sanshou fighter, as well as local UFC veterans Eugene Jackson and Mike Kyle in lackluster performances against guys, who on paper, they outclassed 10 times over. The most obvious creative matchmaking, however, was in the Cung Le “fight” against an opponent he had easily beaten a year earlier, an opponent who incidentally was 7 years his senior at the ripe young age of 40…I know what you're thinking Randy Couture is 40, to which I answer: This guy was no Randy Couture. Hell he was no Randy Jackson for that matter. A guy who’s performance was so bad his name is not worth mentioning; a friend commented to me after the fight that “he didn’t even exhibit a human's natural reaction to striking: the clinch.” To which I responded “maybe he was a guy they picked out of the crowd who won a raffle or something.”
Each and every San Jose fight, with the exception of Josh Thompson, another UFC veteran, went exactly as expected, with the San Jose fighters running through their competition in spectacular fashion. That being said, I would have to say that the standard bearer for the “creative matchmaking” in this event went to the main event, as to be expected. San Jose’s Frank Shamrock, a two time UFC champion as well as King of Pancrase, versus the much-less experienced MMA super trainer Cesar Gracie.
While the event claimed Gracie to be 14 and 0, the be-all end-all of MMA record keeping; Sherdog.com had him listed as 0 and 0; quite a discrepancy huh? Yeah, I thought so, too. This fight, which was just as responsible as any of the other fan draws on the main event card was probably the most pathetic of all, a 21-second knockout followed by the towel thrown in and Frank Shamrock declaring through a rain of confetti, and towels, that “this was his house,” which in all likelihood it could have been, being that by the time the towel hit the mat everyone was out of their collective seats and on their way home. Obviously being too much of a bullshit spectacle even for the hometown crowd. I would have to say that with the exception of a few fights--Gilbert Melendez versus Harris Sarmiento and Josh Thompson versus Clayton Guida--this event, for true MMA fans, was barely passing at best, a pitiable failure at worst.
Fuck you Strikeforce!
