Yo Vinnie,
My girl got some "Are You Naughty?" thing from MySpace recently. You know one of those things where they ask you 30 things, give you points for things you've done and so on. Two points if you've sold drugs, 2 points if you've been to an orgy. Well her score was 26. Out of a possible 60. No prob. But when we went through it, it turned out she had been to an orgy and had threesomes and so on during a period of her life she describes as "kind of a crazy one." So far, so good. I mean I have NOT but I'm not insecure about this. I just want her to be willing to do it again and she's NOT. That whole "crazy period" of her life thing. Am I an asshole for even pushing this in the slightest? -- Day Late, (by email)

"YEAH. A CRAZY, CRAZY, CRAZY TIME. THE DRUGS. THE SEX. THE DRUGS. THE MULTIPLE PENISES IN MY MANY HOLES. JESUS, I'M JUST GLAD THAT'S OVER WITH. AREN'T YOU?" THE ANATOMY OF A BOYFRIEND'S LIE.

Dear DOLLAR SHORT: You ARE an asshole. But not for pushing (we'll get to that later) but for doing ANY quizzes. Haven't you yet figured out that these things are like that scene from that movie Marathon Man where the Nazi torture dude keeps asking "Is it safe?" as he drills the hapless Jews teeth with an electrical drill? If he says "yes, it's safe," he gets drilled. If he says, "no, it's not safe," he gets drilled. You. Cannot. Win these things. Why? Not because you're stupid, but just because women either lie or tell the truth as it suits their purposes and men foolishly always tell the truth. So you say "gee. I don't get 2 points for that one. I've never been to an orgy," and she says, "gee. I guess I get the points." Then: silence. Now I'm not saying she has or has not. I'm just saying that whether she has or hasn't you're already twisted up about it and writing ME goddamned letters.

Our advice? Ignore everything she says, email us a photo of you two and we'll invite you to our next sex party. But be forewarned though: when LITTLE LARRY says "we all should share" he really means "I'm gonna fuck your old lady, blow my load and leave early cuz I got some shit to do tom'w."