YO VINNIE,
I don't know what a fetish is, but I know I want to fuck pregnant women. I'm from New York and remember seeing some preggers porn when I was 15 and it never left me. Something about the stomach, the big, swollen tits. And the milk. I'm not writing to ask if I'm sick (I'm not). I'm asking because I wanted to know if you found some sort of pregant woman dating site or something that I may have missed. -- In Uterocourse (by email)

"OOOOO....I GOT SUCH GAS!!!" BBBRRRAAPPPPHHH... "DO YOU THINK I'M TOO FAT? JESUS, YOUR DICK IS SMALL. GOD, I HATE YOU." BBBRRRAAPPPPHHH...

Dear Dad: You're not sick? So says the fucking monkey in the tuxedo. Listen, jack, you most definitely ARE sick. Nothing wrong at all with fucking. Nothing wrong with fucking women. Nothing even wrong with fucking pregnant women. IF there weren't already brigades of brigadoons fleeing from fucking that self-same magical mystical creature that you've fetishized out of all proportion. Fuck this chatter about the innate beauty of the pregnant woman. I mean you show us a pregnant woman and we'll show you a woman at her most elemental: calling you an asshole, asking you to massage her elephantine ankles, and eating ice cream by the ladle full while farting on the couch in front of TV shows that make her angry with you for having a cock.

This your idea of fun? Have it.

Step 1: knock up some broad (or several) and fuck away, pal.

or

Step B: go to Craigslist and ask for what the fuck you want (and if Sal and I could find a bald, 200 pound, handicapped lesbian who wanted us to blow loads in here face well you can find a breeder bitch in need of strange cock). We're quite sure there're broads out there who haven't had their fill of either calling you an asshole, asking you to massage her elephantine ankles, or eating ice cream by the ladle full while farting on the couch in front of TV shows that will make her angry that you even have cock.

You degenerate motherfucker, you.