YO VINNIE,
A girl, I'll call her "Bulie", just spent the night with me during which time she neither let me fuck her nor let me suck her nor sucked me nor would jerk me nor much of anything outside of a little frottage. She DID let me kiss her. But everytime I tried to, um, uplevel the involvement she threatened to leave. When I backed off and began to feign sleep she'd entice me to try to fuck her again during which time she subsequently then threatened to leave. In the fitful morning (finally) she left abruptly. Do you think she wanted me to rape her? Perhaps? -- R.E. (by email)

"KISS ME YOU PIG, NOW GET AWAY FROM BEFORE YOU KISS ME AGAIN & I CALL THE COPS...BECAUSE YOU HAVEN'T KISSED ME AGAIN!!!"

Dear Charlie Brown: In the above-stated scenario I am reminded of ITALIAN SAL's sage advice upon noting that I was soon to be dating a woman who was a known lunatic.

"If at any point you should think that things are getting dangerous and then dismiss it because it just seems too fucking crazy? Well, don't. Act on it immediately. With extreme prejudice. If she picks up a knife to cut tomatoes even though you had expressed no interest IN tomatoes, begin fighting IMMEDIATELY."

And so it is that the only way to trump the lunacy card is with progressively greater acts of lunacy.

My personal fave when faced with a non-compliant cooch is to perform a trick that's come to be known as The Viva Las Vegas: take out your cock, jerk off, go to sleep afterward.

Extra points if she starts crying during aforementioned activity.

Extra points PLUS if you manage to drop a load on her or on any article of her clothing, whether or not she's wearing it.

Points OFF, however, if she browbeats you into stopping, OR kicks you in the nuts.

This is not quite rape, but the legal ramifications regarding making someone at your place watch you jerk a jumbo load is far more murky than they are for going all Kobe Bryant on her. Also consider other reasons for NO: perhaps kool-aid was pouring from between legs as a result of, you know, THE CURSE. You never know (and you probably don't want to).