YO VINNIE,
My girlfriend and I have discovered that she likes a few sex practices that many would consider outre. Specifically she gets off on having me fuck her mouth after fucking her ass regardless of whatever kind of brown surprise might have attached itself to my tool. I mean in the name of general hygiene I'd typically use a wash cloth, but she started telling me to not too. So, what's the problem? Well, while I have no real problem doing what she's asked, I DO have a problem kissing her with what I imagine is a mouthful of e. coli. I don't want to seem like a pig for doing the one and not the other, but I can see it's coming up. What to do? -- J.R. (by email)

RECTAL THERMOMETRY. NEXT STOP? FUCKING HOLLAND: THE LAND OF TULIPS!

Dear Goose Gander: You are gay. Or French. Your telling use of the word, and I quote here, "outre" is a sure sign of someone whose finer sensibilities seem to belie any sort of interest in any such-like Ass-to-Mouthesque (ATM) experience as it might be enjoyed by the rest of the non-homosexual world that can make it through a fucking sentence without wanting to tell the universe, "I took French Lit 101 while furtively fellating my professor for a grade that was no serious reflection of all the hard work I put into my paper on the significance of the rimjob in Renaissance writing." In other words: we hate you. And your sad, sad quandary, which is no quandary at all and one which could be easily solved by checking out the immortally pissing CHUCK BERRY who after golden glazing his little bo peep in a bathtub in a shaky home video that we got was heard to say when she asked for a kiss, "I'd like to kiss you babe, but, ah, you're covered in piss."

Simple. Elegant. Simply elegant.