TOM “I’M NOT GAY” CRUISE into day 3365 of his NOT GAY VIGIL
"I WILL NOT REST UNTIL EVERY MAN IN AMERICA TRULY BELIEVES THAT I DON’T SMOKE THE POLE.”
LONDON(SkullGame) -- Movie superstar and non-homosexual TOM “I’m Not Gay” CRUISE has vowed to give his autograph to every man at the London premiere of his new movie, "The Last Samurai," on Tuesday, ignoring security warnings for his safety.
The 41-year-old actor's bodyguard team of well-muscled barbell boys begged him to keep a planned "walkabout" or “cruise” to a minimum at the Leicester Square event, but determined Cruise is adamant in his frothy desire to meet every hardy man who braves the British capital's bracing January weather.
He says, "Hey, if anyone shows up and wants my autograph, or phone number, or room key, they can damn well have it. I love coming to London and meeting the mens."
The last time the Hollywood star was in Leicester Square, for the premiere of "Minority Report" in 2002, he embarked on a two-hour walkabout, singing autographs, chatting on fans' mobile phones and giving impromptu back rubs.
WHATEVER MAN
An insider lisps, "Tom's security staff know he likes to show his appreciation to waiting fans.”
But that "security face a tough enough job without impromptu acts of gratuitous and spontaneous NON-gayness from the man they are protecting. However, Tommy's hellbent on showing his fans what they mean to him. And he's not about to bow to a climate of fear either. As big a star as he is and as far as he’s traveled from his little town in Jersey to Fire Island and beyond to Mykonos or San Francisco, he’s never lost touch with the real world."
ANOTHER ITALIAN SALVO….THE LORD OF THE RINGS MADE ME GAY
“Very, very, very gay,” says former heterosexual and SkullGame Senior Editor
DEAR DIARY: I THINK FRODO IS ABSOLUTELY FAB. BUT DON'T TELL ANYONE. LEST THEY FALL UNDER THE MAGIC HOMO SPELL OF THE RING
I think the title of this piece speaks for itself so please believe me when I say that after watching the third and final installment of the Lord of the Rings Trilogy, I am now hopelessly and inexorably an unabashed and unrepentant homosexual.
You might say, Sal: how the fuck can a movie possibly make you gay?
And I respond: how the fuck could the Lord of the Admiralty have sent wave after wave of British troops into the Dardanelles?
The answer: I don’t know. I’m actually not even quite sure where the Dardanelles are. I think they may be a kicky little outlet store in Turkey. But I digress.
Now, what the hell were we talking about?
Ah yes, the gay epic Lord of the Rings.
Look, many have asked what is the cause of this sudden attack of the Gays? As if the human condition is so simple that one thing can cause you to act one way or another. In actuality the human creature is a very complex animal and the nature or nurture answer don’t quite fit. You see, in this case it was not one thing that you can point at and say, ‘that’s what made me gay.’ It’s three things that make you gay, in this case it’s the, The Lord of the Rings and its three installments, The Nina, The Pinta and the Santa Maria. Any one of these taken alone? Harmless. However together, these amount to the trifecta of gay, the veritable triple crown of homosexuality.
But getting back to the movie. I have never, ever, ever, ever, ever looked at another man the way Sam looks at Frodo. Nuf said. And as if that isn’t enough what the fuck is up with Pippin and Merry? These two have really cranked the gay up to 11. This movie was literally three hours and forty minutes of uncomfortable moment after uncomfortable moment climaxing at the end with a tender moment between Sam and Frodo that threatened to degenerate into passionate jailhouse kissing.
So if you would excuse me now. I am off to try and regain any bit of hetero credibility that I may have left by watching Rambo, Terminator, 1, 2 and 3, and Spartacus. Ooooo, I have to see Spartacus. I love the way Tony Curtis. Huh, what? It’s not helping, is it? Fuck. I guess it IS too late.
Mom? Yeah yeah listen it’s me. Great, great. No. I didn’t know Ciccio was there. What? Mom, c’mon. Listen. Ma? Listen, I saw Lord of the Goddamned Rings today. When!?!? Today. And incidentally? Yeah, Ma, yeah. Today is also the day, curiously enough, that I became gay. Can you fucking believe it?
BATSHIT LUNATIC LESBO MELISSA ETHERIDGE CLAIMS HER MARRIAGE TO A WOMAN HAS HELPED FOOTBALL HEROES
MISSOURI (SkullGame) -- In a total think tank level of inspired lunacy Batshit Lunatic Lesbo Rocker MELISSA ETHERIDGE is taking all the credit for the Kansas City Chiefs' successful season, after she namechecked them in the vows at her wedding to another lesbian.
MELISSA AND A BUNCH OF OTHER LESBOS
Etheridge and Tammy Michaels are huge fans of the Chiefs, who are among the favorites to win next month's Super Bowl. Michaels explains, "One of my vows was to be a Chiefs fan and I'm very happy right now."
Etheridge adds, "I want to write the Kansas City Chiefs football team a letter and tell them it's because my wife vowed to be a Chiefs fan that we are obviously having a successful season."
The Chiefs, along with the rest of the western world, could not in any way, shape or form, be reached for comment as they live on a planet far, far away from the one that the Etheridges live on. A planet called, interestingly enough, EARTH.
HABIB GOES HOMO....AND THE REST OF SKULLGAME RAISES ITS EYEBROWS OVER ITS TENSELY PURSED LIPS AND WONDER ALOUD IF THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE FUNNY
http://www.oldonboy.com/
We here at SKULLGAME like to push the envelope a little bit. Oh fuck it who am I kidding? We like to tear the goddamned envelope up, light it on fire, then feed it through a paper shredder. Even if that means that we see something so shocking and appalling that even WE can't stand to bare witness to it. No matter how many times we've feverishly masturbated to it.
GEE, FATHER FINNERTY...YOU'RE THE SWELLEST PRIEST WHAT ANYONE EVER HAD
Anyways, you can always count on us to send your wife and children out
of the room crying, never to return. So without further adieu I would like to introduce you to www.oldonboy.com.
While this is a pay site, there is still plenty of FREE eye candy for even
the sickest of you perverts. Or I at least hope so. I really don't think
that some mild infatuation with younger men getting pounded by older men
would be a great way to be spending your hard earned cash. That's why god
invented hookers. But if you do, I would not be the the least bit surprised. Not at all.--HABIB HUSSEIN
LIKE FATHER, LIKE FELCHING SON
SADDAM STARRED IN GAY PORN FILMS
KUWAIT CITY -- Iraqi dictator SADDAM HUSSEIN has been caught with his pants down -- literally. A shocking 1968 porn film has surfaced, in which the former flamboyant strongman appears performing raunchy homosexual acts of the kind that are totally unfamiliar to TOM CRUISE.
The image quality of the grainy 16mm film, uncovered by the Kuwaiti secret police, is poor -- but experts who've taken a close look at the hairy-chested actor are "100 percent certain" it is a younger, trimmer Saddam.
YOUNG MEN. IF YOU EVER FEEL DOWN, I SAID YOUNG MEN...
"There is no doubt in my mind that this is Saddam -- there's no mistaking those eyes and that distinctive nose," declares Hussein biographer Sadiq al-Sabah of Kuwait, who's seen the eye-popping footage first-hand.
"It may be hard to believe that a man who once led one of the most powerful nations in the Middle East once acted in blue movies, but to anyone familiar with how reckless and sexually promiscuous Saddam was in his youth, this will come as no surprise. It's also a known fact that the young, desperate soldier did anything for money.
"Saddam appeared in as many as 85 of these films under a variety of stage names, most frequently OMAR STUDDIF," reveals the researcher.
Still photographs from the sizzling XXX-rated film, La'iba al-Waladaani (The Two Boys Played), were leaked to a Kuwait news magazine after authorities found it amid a stash of illicit porn in the vault of a recently deceased sheik.
Release of the pictures has resulted in howls of protest from Baghdad.
"President Hussein was the manliest of men. He would never have been filmed in such a repugnant manner," says a gay Baathist regime member. "This is CIA propaganda."
In the newly uncovered 86-minute prison flick, Saddam, then just 34, plays a naive young peasant who is wrongly convicted and sent to jail. He is initiated into homosexuality by a series of older and more experienced cons.
"Saddam's acting in the picture is actually quite good," al-Sabah notes. "One scene, in which he buries his face in a pillow and cries, is so touching you almost can forget you're watching a low-budget sexploitation film."
AND NOW BACK TO OUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED NON-HOMORIFFIC PROGRAGRAMMING
AHHH. A DREAM. IT WAS JUST A FUCKING DREAM. HAHAH. YOU WERE THERE AUNTIE EM. AND YOU TOO UNCLE HENRY. ESPECIALLY YOU UNCLE HENRY AND THERE WERE CHAPS, HANDLEBAR MUSTACHES AND FAGGOTRY OF ALL STRIPES. BUT IT WAS JUST A DREAM. AND NOW. WELL, NOW IT'S OVER. SIGH.
