YO VINNIE,
I fucked my roommate. Once or twice. It was comfortable, we live together, no strings. Easy. But now I've started fucking someone else and I want to know what the protocol is? Especially since our bedrooms are right next to each other and I don't want to hurt his feelings. What should I do?--Macy (by email)

MACY AND HER GODDAMNED ROOMMATE "SIMON"

Dear Mother Theresa: What should you do?!?! I mean you're asking ME what should you do?!?! The man whose insensitivity has been noted as being both edgeless and limitless?!?! Well I'll tell you EXACTLY what you should do: you should fuck and suck this person you're fucking and sucking like fucking and sucking was going out of goddamned style. In your room. In the hallway. On the front stairs. At the kitchen table...because...I am an asshole and as an asshole I believe that you should fuck and suck not even because you enjoy it but specifically because it causes the other person misery. Then send us pictures of the saddened clown moping around the house. Or weeping in the bathtub. Or while making a crappy breakfast of burnt toast and watery eggs. This is the highest of all joys.