COURTNEY CLUBS AFTER DITCHING DETOX
WILL THIS DANGEROUS HAS-BEEN STOP AT NOTHING TO SATE HER DEGENERATE DESIRES TO BE NOTICED?
NO.
LOS ANGELES (SkullGame) -- Troubled skank COURTNEY LOVE was spotted this week doing what multimillionaires do best--eating, drinking and being fucking merry while stuffing her shorts with handfuls of ill-gotten gains and laughing at the misfortunes of those less fortunate than her—while hitting the clubs, despite supposedly being in the WHAT’S YOUR GODDAMNED PROBLEM? detox center.
The rocker staggered first to club Tangiers in Los Feliz to see Hard Place, a band some have compared to Love's murdered husband KURT COBAIN’s band Nirvana. The drunken and shambolic singer and would-be bad actress said "So, this band sounds like Nirvana, huh? They wish!" before turning her attentions back to the flaming pile of cash that she had been counting, burning, and cackling in front of.
She then weaved and bobbed to the nearby Derby club, and was invited up on stage by Let's Go Sailing singer Shana Levy -- who was delighted when Love took up her offer to aid in the furthering of her own pathetic rock fantasies.
I USUALLY KEEP ALL OF MY SEMEN RIIIGHHHTTT HERE
Levy says, counting three clicks off of her allotted 15 minutes of erstwhile fame, "She said, 'I really need to get laid tonight, but I always have time for a chick band.' So we taught her a song of ours on the fly and she sang and played guitar with us. Badly I might add. But she was really approachable, really nice, really considerate. We were totally surprised. Oh yeah, and HIGH AS A MOTHERFUCKING KITE. We were not totally surprised by this at all."
Love then made a dramatic exit, reportedly shouting to the fairy godmother driver of her white van, "You gotta get me back to [rehab]!"
Her lawyer Ron Fischetti had earlier that day told MTV News she was undergoing live-in detox care at a facility in Malibu. Love is currently awaiting trial on drugs charges, after being arrested last October, and overdosing on prescription pills shortly afterward.
She is, and will remain, our patron saint of skank.
PINK SUCKS TOMMY’S SALAMI IN TOILET TRYST
Has-been TOMMY LEE and soon-to-be-was PINK were so desperate to generate record sales by getting some fucking and sucking in on Friday night that they went all BJORK on us and indulged in some clumsy groping and semi-turgid toilet time designed to titillate the trades for perhaps another cool 500,000 sold by Pink and another 2 or 3 records sold by Tommy.
YES, THIS IS A TONGUE. THIS IS ALSO A PLACE WHERE YOU'RE JUST AS LIKELY TO FIND A SCHLONG AS YOU ARE A TONGUE BUT I THINK YOU ALREADY KNEW THAT
The wild twosome -- who began dating last month -- were spotted getting steamed up in New York nightspot Lotus by promoter Ronnie Madras, who was quite taken aback by what he saw, especially given how fucking coked up he was.
According to Madras, Tommy and Pink had already caused raised eyebrows by taking turns making out with a mystery woman in their banquet before disappearing to the bathroom, where they, with a clinician's eye to PR, began calculating how much fucking richer she'd be after said stunt.
THIS MAN IS MOST ASSUREDLY AN ASSWIPE. EITHER THAT OR HE'S ANTHONY KIEDIS
Madras says that when he stumbled in on them, the ex-drummer Tommy was reportedly simulating sex with the singer in front of a urinal. Half the nation yawned, too busy to notice. The other half, of course, will be buying Pink's new record as soon as humanly fucking possible.
ANOTHER ITALIAN SALVO...
I GET BY WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM MY FRIENDS
An open letter to all the people I fucked with in High School:
I am truly ashamed for tormenting you constantly.
However, if I could have been called anything back then it would have been persistent. I was not content with flicking your ear once. I always felt the need to do it over and over again. Both ears at once. Sometimes alternating, sometimes even doing it to the beat of some melody I was unable or unwilling to get out of my head. I know that sometimes I would even tug on your ears and slap both sides of your head like meat cymbals.
SMOKE ON THE WATER SOUNDS VERRRYYY DIFFERENT WITH CRAP IN YOUR PANTS
This too I apologize for.
I did have my reasons, however trivial they may seem in retrospect, I, I, I was a small guy. My unrelenting attacks on you dicks were a feint to get the heat off of me. Remember, I was 5’3, maybe 125lbs, you know, a little guy. I couldn’t risk getting picked on myself so I shifted my and everyone else’s attention on you douches.
No hard feelings right? Good.
Oh yeah, I’m sorry I tied a knot in the sleeve of your coat and took a dump down the sleeve. Looking back at that it was wrong. And… Since we are in the coat closet I’m really sorry for duct taping you naked to that chair, it was wrong and I apologize.
Let me see, oh yeah: Joey and I really shouldn’t have held you down and shaved our initials in your ass with your Dad's hair clippers although you did sort of have it coming; I mean how many 10th graders have back hair? So even though you were asking for it, I am sorry, truthfully. But you were a hairy fuck, and now you’re a lawyer. Big man huh? Probably think your better then me, don’t you? DON’T YOU?!?
OW, OW, I'M A FUCKING LAWYER. STOP IT OR I'MA GONNA TELLLL...
I know that there was lots of other stuff involving chess pieces, Vaseline and a snare drum, and although I am sorry I haven’t even told my priest about this shit. This stuff I’m keeping close to the vest; at least till the statute of limitations run out.
