“We fucked and fucked and fucked. And then when it was all over, we fucked some more. And this was before we even got outta the goddamned airport.”—VINNIE ROSE
WESTERN STATES (SkullGame) – It was the night after All Hallowed’s Eve and not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse. And not the ghosts, goblins, trannies, sexy nurses, sexy maids, sexy cheerleaders, and sexy sexy’s and costumed whores that seemed to populate all the BIG TIME parties we covered, crashed and got invited OUT of. No one but us. And our fucking poison pens.
But FIRST a bit of the goddamned truth here: GOING TO PARTIES WITH PORN STARS WILL NOT GET YOU LAID. Because if you’re going to a party that advertises as a draw “PORN STARS” you’re going to a place that will necessarily be full of men looking to meet PORN STARS. So if you want to hang out with a bunch of DUDES and feel like GAY bars are a tad too obvious, these parties might work for you.
FUCK YOU? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA....MEN COME ON MY FACE FOR NICKELS, BUT FUCK YOU?!?! HAHAHAHAH. SILLY BOY.
For the MACKS at MACK AVENUE though we make our own fucking fun and so here’s what we were sober enough to remember.
LAS VEGAS - Vivid Video’s Porn Star Ball (House of Blues) with Briana Banks, Tawny Roberts, and Mercedez hosting the festivities as trance sensation DJ Tiesto spun some of the latest tracks.
OUR REVIEW: Ho nooooo, you don’t. Fool us once shame on you, fool us twice and we’ll shank you in a darkened stairwell. We went to some fucking VIVID pornstar event in San Francisco. Yeah, we were VIP all the way, which means we had to wait on line for 40 minutes (and we were fucking late to begin with) and once inside had the touch put on us to meet the so-called PORN STARS. Forty fucking dollars and here we are with balls like Buicks and members of the press to fucking boot. Fuck YOU.
Things to do in Vegas on Halloween: order in-room suck service like we did.
THANK YOU FOR REMOVING OUR EXCESS SEMEN!!!
HOLLYWOOD –SINister Lingerie & Costume Ball: "Where the babes wear nothing and the players put the BIG in pimp'n.” The Highlands. 6801 Hollywood Blvd. It’s an invitation to party with 2000 sinners, rockstars & pornstars, 14 ft. giants, 2 stilt walkers, and 3 midgets. The sexiest costume wins $500.
AT LEAST VINNIE GOT LAID A LITTLE. HAHA...GET IT?!?!
OUR REVIEW: How about we just start this one out with the Reader’s Digest version: FUCK YOU. 2000 sinners, eh? Well you know what, if I wanted to hang around 2000 sinners, one thousand-nine hundred and eighty-eight of whom were DUDES well we’d just books ourselves into Key West or Fire Island during Spring Break. Enough said.
Well almost enough: when MACK AVENUE SKULLGAME has their annual party, you will be getting laid. Guaranteed. Mostly because you WON’T be invited if you’re a dude, but that’s not the point. The point is: we DELIVER on all the shit that other people only HINT at.
PALM SPRINGS - GAYVN Performer of the Year Michael Brandon will hold his second annual Inappropriate Pool Party at the Citadel Resort during the Nov. 1-2 Gay Pride weekend in Palm Springs.
OUR REVIEW: We’re still waiting on EDDIE COATES' up-to-the-minute report on this one.
EDDIE COATES: STILL ON ASSIGNMENT.
ELIZABETH “HO OF THE MONTH” HURLEY: UPTOWN GIRL GOES GHETTO
LIZ HURLEY was recently snubbed at a charity auction in New York when NO ONE bid for lunch with her.
HOW 'BOUT SOME FUCKING ITALIAN SAUSAGE FOR LUNCH? C'MON, BABY, TREAT YOUR TONSILS RIGHT.
Actress Liz, 38, had hoped to raise money for New York firemen. One guest said: “There was not a peep. It was embarrassing. Not quite as embarrassing as finding out that your boyfriend was tooling to tranny anus on Sunset Boulevard on national TV. But close. Close.”
A round of golf in Scotland with ex-lover Hugh Grant went for £9,000 at the same Manhattan auction, however, causing us to wonder when Hurley’s going to change her name to SHANIQUA and move back into our fucking neighborhood.
OOO....SHE ACTING!!! YOU GO, GIRL
Let’s review the evidence:
1) first boyfriend, aforementioned HUGH GRANT, gets busted eating pussy on streetwalker named DIVINE “Thank God She Wasn’t a Tranny” BROWN.
DIVINE BROWN: NOT A MAN, BUT SHE PLAYS ONE ON SUNSET BLVD.
2) Much publicized paternity suit with Hollywood producer who quicker than you can say turn-around goes to the “she’s a slut” card. Noticeable lack of publicity when his paternity is confirmed.
3) She’s appearing naked on SKULLGAME
VIVID GIRL MERCEDEZ APPEARING IN SKIN THIS WEEK
LOS ANGELES (SkullGame) -- Vivid Girl Mercedez will be playing herself in the next episode of SKIN the show that manages to make the porn industry even duller than it already is by focusing on a porn producer's family and a district attorney's family in a modern take on Romeo and Juliet.
Mercedez appears in a scene when the adult entertainment czar’s daughter, played by actress Olivia Wilde, first visits an adult set. Mercedez, as herself, will the play the "patient" that a "doctor" and "nurse" both "examine" on that set.
YOU'RE GOING TO BE IN PICTURES ONE DAY BABY! AND NOT JUST SUCKING PASTE. LIKE LAST TIME. OR THE TIME BEFORE THEN. OR BEFORE THEN EVEN. THIS TIME IT'LL BE TOTALLY DIFFERENT FROM LAST TIME. OR THE TIME BEFORE THEN. OR BEFORE THEN EVEN.
“The director was really easy to work with and the other actors made us feel very comfortable,” said Mercedez. “ I’d love to work with them all again.”
Yeah. Too bad you won’t.
"Call in the lobby for MERCEDEZ. Says it's from 'COFFEE'!!!"
"Yes. It's me, MERCEDEZ!"
“Wake up and smell me.”
