YO VINNIE,
I'm having a real hell of a time selling the whole anal sex deal to my as of yet un-assfucked girlfriend. And to make matters worse she read some shit that seemed to imply that if she even tried it once she'd be shitting in diapers when she was 72 or something. I need some counter-ammo. Help.--D.D., Cleveland, OH (by email)

Dear Duncan Donuts: Listen, everyone knows that the best way to sell something like this is through gentle and pleasureable persuasion. A gentle finger probe. A carefully probing tongue. Or, to switch pace a bit, being held down in the shower room in prison. Any and all of the above will do the trick.

IF YOU KEEP MAKING THAT FACE IT'S GONNA STAY THAT WAY!!!

But that's only the first part of your whole deal, which has everything to do with the Jedi-mindfucked call to arms over the supposed long term health benefits of ass-reamery. Yes, if the shower room option occurs for upward of a 5 to 10 year sentence you are more than likely going to end up depending on DEPENDS. But if the gentle, well-lubed road is taken well you can damn near expect to be sliding the shooter with impunity well beyond your 70s, at which point you will need DEPENDS just on GP, forget about the ass banditry.

HOWEVER, if you've hooked up with that 40 percent of the female population that doesn't do sodomy well our advice is: dump her. In our laps. We'll handle it toot suite. Shower room, gratis!!!