YO VINNIE,
Well me and my girl have gotten to that sensitive time in our relationship where two things are happening simultaneously. I want to fuck her in the ass and she wants to get married. She's told me that while she HAS fucked in the ass before, she will only fuck in the ass AGAIN if the man who is doing the fucking is her HUSBAND. So do I lie to get what I want? Do I have to lie? What would you do?--B.C., Seattle (by email)

A NICE DAY FOR A WHITE WEDDING!!!!

Dear Hamlet: What the fuck would I do?!? Like you even have to ask?!?! First of all anytime you're negotiating for sex you are going to fucking lose. Better to be in a position to apologize for something done than to do nothing. That being said, she DID tell you straight up that these were the terms so why get all fucking hemmed in with Clarence Darrow? Fuck it. If my stats are any indication about 6 out of 10 will ride the keister coaster. Four of out 10 actually enjoy it. GO...FIND...THEM. Because any game with fucking MATRIMONY as the first prize is a little like winning the lottery in Lompoc: absolutely goddamned worthless.