DEFENSE TEAMS BAFFLED: WHAT THE FUCK ARE THEY THINKING?!?!

"She's white, right? What the fuck's the problem?" The pro basketball buttfucker queries

I AM GUILTY OF NOTHING BUT LOVING, NOT POORLY, BUT UNWISELY. AND IN THE ASS.

In a move sure to surprise no one at MACK AVENUE SKULLGAME, it was revealed today that in keeping with the trend first reported here of mainstream Hollywood Ho's going plum pornofied, embattled Negro Sodomite KOBE BRYANT has allegedly made his first porner with hot bitch JENNA JAMESON. In VIVID's newest title JENNA LOVES KOBE this forbidden love shows its face in a move that is sure to complicate the jurisprudential Gordian Knot that the KOBE Ass Fucking Trial has devolved into.

HIGH AS A KITE: "SO I LOVE HIM? SO WHAT?"

More information as this stunning story develops.

LONG ISLAND LOLITA AND SLUTTISH, FACE-SHOOTING EX-CON AMY FISHER WEDS
Amy Fisher calls it "happy ending. On account of nobody getting shot or nothing."

SHERIFF'S DEPUTY GIVING AWAY THE BRIDE: POTATO-FACED FISHER

GARDEN CITY, N.Y. (SG)—
"KNOCK KNOCK!" "WHO'S THERE?" "AMY FISHER!" "AMY FISHER WHO?" "BANG!!!!

Amy Fisher, whose shooting of her lover JOEY BUTTAFUOCO's wife when she was 17 (the slut, not the wife), thusly earning her the tabloid nickname "Long Island Lolita," has tied the knot with some hapless fucking moron who hasn't got a single goddamned clue.

Fisher, who became a newspaper columnist last year to the shock and chagrin of real journalists everywhere, was married this week, according to her laughable excuse for a paper, the Long Island Press.

Purposefully vague, the paper didn't reveal whom the 29-year-old Fisher married or when and where the ceremony took place, saying all will be told in her next column, to appear in the weekly's Sept. 18 edition.

Fisher busted out of the joint in 1999 after serving seven years in prison for shooting the aging wife of her aging lover, Joey Buttafuoco, in the face on the front porch of the couple's home.

"I felt just like the world felt: that I was one of those lost girls who was destined for a life of tragedy, despair, bad hair and sleazy fucking lesbian encounters in any number of different jail cells" the statement quoted Fisher as saying. "But my life is really coming together, and I'm so thrilled that no one got shot or nothing yet. This is the happy ending."

YEAH. REAL FUCKING HAPPY ENDING.

Buttafuoco, who was railroaded into pleading guilty to one count of statutory rape, served six months in jail. He and his wife of 26 years, Mary Jo Buttafuoco, later moved to California so he could pursue an acting career and hang around the HUSTLER CASINO. She filed for divorce earlier this year.

Well wishes and letters of condolence can be sent to the Sing Sing Slag at AmyFisher@Islandear.com.

UP IN SMOKE: CHONG GETS A ROYAL FUCKING

PITTSBURGH (SG)--Throwing himself on the mercy of the Pig Court and claiming that shit "just got the fuck out of hand," comedian and That '70s Show actor Tommy Chong got reamed the fuck out by a federal judge for a nine month bid behind bars for conspiracy to sell drug paraphernalia by catalog and on the Internet. The AP said he admitted to having a former problem with marijuana that he beat when he took up salsa dancing, clearly indicating what his attorney Ashley Roachclip had maintained all along: "aw, now that's just the hash talking now."

ATTORNEY ASHLEY ROACHCLIP DOING HIS SUMMATION WITH CHONG IN FRONT OF THE CIRCLE K CONVENIENCE STORE

In a full on burst of baked reasoning, the former half of Cheech and Chong had admitted his Chong Glass company sold about 7,500 bongs and pipes until a Valentine's Day raid by federal drug agents at his home and business in California, but Roachclip argued that Chong had really just planned to use his celebrity to become a role model against drugs, according to the AP.


PRO TEM ATTORNEY-AT-LAW IRON MICHAEL TYSONWITZ AT PRESS CONFERENCE

When reached for comment Lead Counsel IRON MICHAEL TYSONWITZ said, "of course he goddamned did."

JENNA JAMESON AND KOBE BRYANT: THE STORY THICKENS

In a development sure to draw the ire of women's groups all over America MACK AVENUE SKULLGAME has learned that KOBE BRYANT is in actual fact KOBE TAI, Japanese porn star. Says SKULLGAME Senator Vinnie Rose, "well I'll be goddamned. BRYANT disguises himself as a Japanese broad? The man is a motherfucking genius."

KOBE BRYANT WITH THE WOMAN HE WILL SOON BECOME