UMA THURMAN REVENGES HERSELF ON WAYWARD HUZ BY HUMPING VINNIE; DECLARES THE EXPERIENCE "GREAT!"
UMA ABOUT TO READ VINNIE SOME POETRY AFTER FRESHENING UP HIS DRINK
In the recent contretemps (French for getting your cock caught in cookie's jar) over husband ETHAN HAWKE's alleged indiscretions with 22-year old model JEN PERZOW, UMA THURMAN decided to fight back. Noting that the best way "to get over one man is by getting under another" she recently placed a call to SKULLGAME'S own VINNIE ROSE. The following text appears as it was recorded by the ever-thoughtful MR. ROSE.
UMA THURMAN: Hey. Hello. Hi. You remember me? We met at Ingrid's party? In New York? I used to go to school with her?
VINNIE ROSE: The tall thin broad? With the cans? Yeah. I remember you.
UT: Well, I was going to be up in San Fran and...
VR:...I remember you from that fucking crappy movie you did with my friend ANDRE BRAUGHER. That one that stunk up the whole joint. What the fuck was it called? Um, Duo? Duotone?
UT: Duets. And that wasn't me. That was GWENYTH PALTROW and I didn't think that was that bad of a....
VR: Listen cut the rebop, baby. I been reading about your troubles and I just want to say that I think it's one goddamned shame when a woman. A beautiful and desireable woman such as yourself, even after two kids, has to have her name dragged through the fucking mud by a pansy like that underwear model you're married to. For some 22-year old PLUS SIZE model?!?!
THE 22-YEAR OLD PLUS SIZE MODEL
UT: I...I...(cries).
VR: Take it easy, baby. I just want to say that when a man loves a woman. A beautiful and desireable albeit aging mother of two like you he should recognize that the fine wine that she is should be supped, savored and enjoyed with all the heady delight that she can command and indeed deserves.
UT: Really? I mean really?
VR: Hey, baby, I wouldn't say it if it wasn't true. What? You think I just want to fuck you? I can fuck anybody, baby. YOU, I want to inhale. I want to give you the kind of pleasure that only a man like me can give. But I'm just talking, you know? I mean you're a big star and all and I'm, well, I'm just a man. A man with exquisite tastes in broads who knows what Underwear man never will: that I'd live 1000 lifetimes just to be able to bring YOU pleasure. But, ah, too bad you're not here.
UT: Well. Wait. I'm coming to San Francisco and I thought we could meet for drinks or something. Where are you staying now?
VR: If you're coming to San Fran I'm staying at the Fairmont. That's where I was last time I was there with OLIVIA. Do you know her?
O-L-I-V-I-A
UT: Um, no, I...
VR: Nevermind. But my credit card doesn't seem to be working now, so you call them and get the room and I'll meet you in the lobby.
UT: Well. OK. But this is all so sudden....
VR: Ah, no. No it's not. It's not sudden at all, baby. I mean I've been thinking about it a lifetime. Is a lifetime sudden?
UT: I'll be there.
When asked for post-coital commentary VINNIE ROSE said "Who? You mean the tall thin broad? With the cans? Married to that underwear model? How was she? You mean in the sack? A damned sight better than she was in that horrible movie Duel or whatever the fuck it was called."
ITALIAN SALVO: Goddamned Governor Mary Carey?
Half of San Fernando Valley says: ALRIGHT!! And then heads to Taco Bell for some Mexican eating
THEY'RE UNEVEN AREN'T THEY?!? DON'T STARE! WHY ARE YOU STARING?!?
Porn star MARY CAREY shows she is unafraid to take on the tough issues.
She supports not only physician-assisted suicide, but the legalization of ferrets. Whoah! Take it easy Mary. Touching a political hot button like the legalization of ferrets could easily turn into a political firestorm, which could just as easily turn around and bite her in her more than ample ass.
Some of her more relevant campaign promises are as follows:
She promises to create a “Porn for Pistols” program to take handguns off the streets. Dealing with the violence and injuries associated with handguns is a huge drain on the state's resources. And lord knows after I bust a nut in someone's ass, the last thing I’m thinking about doing is busting a cap in someone’s ass.
As Governor, she promises to recruit fellow performers from the adult video industry as ambassadors of good will. These ambassadors will be a great help to California when it comes to such things as negotiating rates for buying electricity from neighboring states. Or last minute Meth deals.
And finally, if elected Governor, Mary will wire the Governor’s Mansion with live web cams in every room. She plans to create a pay site, and all money collected will go toward reducing the deficit. Californians will get to see their government in action - literally! When reached for comment guys at CSPAN all simultaneously shit their brown polyester pants.
CONFIDENTIAL, ON THE QT AND VERY HUSH HUSH
I AM SO SLAMMERGASTED
Look whose getting shaken down by cops outside of a TEXAS hot spot. We're not in the business of giving answers, we're in the business of asking questions.
Like:
1) does said soon-to-be-arrested slut have anymore OXYCONTIN hidden in her shoes? We mean if she was wearing any shoes?
2) How's that rehab working out for you?
and finally
3) do blowjobs still work as the medium of exchange with cops these days?
We await the answers from JUNEBUG, our SKULLGAME field photog in TEXAS.
