YO VINNIE,
My ass is on fire. Like real burning. Stinging, even. More when I shit, less when I sit, but is it possible to get cancer of the asshole? Any suggestions as to what it might mean (and don't say hemmorhoids because it ain't them)?—B.I. (by email)

Dear Baboon Dooley: Much like when your nose itching means someone who likes you is talking about you, that ass is on fire sensation means you’ve just shared a tent with HABIB. Thanks for asking.