YO VINNIE,
So I'm on line at Office Depot and there's this woman and well to make a long story much fucking shorter: I get her phone number. I call it later and she says I could meet her for lunch near her school. So I'm thinking JuCo, you know. But no. It's a high school. Shit. She's 17. She has her own apartment, the whole bit, you know, but she's 17. What do I do?--name withheld by request (by e-mail)

Dear Humbert Humbert: Fuck her. Wait, wait, wait....I'm just a'funning you boy. Don't sue us when you get arrested.

But seriously, the statute of limitations for this statutory rape law goes a little something like this: it's three years from the date of the last occurrence. So to esplain that to you in a language you'll understand: if you fuck her the night before her 18th birthday and the resulting party it'll be three years from that midnight that you have to live under the sword of Damoclesian surprise. Up to that time your ass is running the distinct risk of over-zealous prosecutors, angry parents, and the vengeful lolita herself. While most advice columnists will tell you to steer clear, I'd say send me a picture first.

[After viewing picture.]

OK. It's totally necessary at this juncture in time that you also send me her phone number as I, in an act of total life-affirming selflessness, can fuck her, running all of the RISK myself and thereby PROTECTING you from all manner of legal repercussion. I'll run the risk, fuck her, and tell you all about so it's almost like you were there. I mean I'm just that type of friend.