SKANK STUMBLES TO BEN-WA BALL'S DEFENSE

In a move vaguely akin to having Hitler as a character witness, ANTONELLA SANTINI, better known by her nom de naked as Felicia, has filed a libel and slander suit against that sterling journal of public record, the National Enquirer, charging that, contrary to the paper’s reporting, she did NOT suck, fuck, fondle, finger, boff, jack, jerk, or otherwise manipulate the talentless hack BEN AFFLECK’s shriveled manhood.

A REAL SPURIOUS PHOTO OF THE STRIP CLUB SKANK: THIS IS WHAT HE GAINED

Tammy Morris, another stripper at Brandi's, "a high-class jerk joint that features all-nude dancing and semen extraction," per the suit, also is tagged as a defendant. Santini alleges Morris was paid $100,000 by the Enquirer for a fabricated version of events that provided the basis for its salacious August 12 edition cover story, "Ben Cheats on the Wretched J.LO."

THIS IS WHAT HE LOST: WHAT A BARGAIN!!!

The article, citing reputed eyewitness accounts, said the crap movie star pawed Santini and performed a sad, fumbling and totally inexpert version of oral sex on her. The tab has reported Affleck "cheated" on Lopez with a total of three dancers, including Tammy "Portia" Morris.

When reached for comment KOBE BRYANT inquired about their race and when told that only one of the women was white said, “whew. Well that’s something at least.”

AND SPEAKING OF KOBE....

ANOTHER ITALIAN SALVO: KOBE BRYANT FOUNDATION KAPUT

Famous basketball player, Teen Spirit Award Winner, and philanthropist? Yes, Yes and not anymore. Just when we thought that every news story including Kobe Bryant would include tales of interracial anal penetration and chest pounding Mea Culpa’s involving multi-million dollar gifts, Kobe throws a hook shot by shutting down his charitable organization “The Kobe Bryant Foundation.”

Launched in 1998, the foundation listed its purpose as funding and sponsoring programs that benefit children and prevent child abuse.

When asked to comment, a spokesperson stated that the foundation was disbanded because of a “lack of donations and a change of focus.” When asked to elaborate on the change of focus he stated that “Kobe was hoping to put something together that more reflected his interests: mostly, um stupid white bitches and ass fucking.”

YEAH. LET'S PLAY "CAN YOU GUESS WHAT HAPPENS NEXT?" WELL HERE'S A HINT: IT STARTS WITH "SOD" AND ENDS WITH "OMY".

MARY CAREY COMMITS CAREER HARAKIRI

Unregenerate porn slutette MARY CAREY, as you probably all have heard ad nauseum and pictures of Black Dwarf GARY COLEMAN, has decided to run for the hotly contested Governor's Seat in the Golden State's upcoming recall election. While we at MACK AVENUE SKULLGAME don't usually give a fuck about politics unless it involves cigars, jizzed on dresses and fat sluts, we've noted that Carey indubitably fits into the FAT SLUT category and so it is with a happy heart that we toss all of our considerable weight and heft behind her candidacy...again and again and again. Until we collapse, spent. Only to rise 15 minutes later and throw our support behind her again. A process we will repeat until we weary of her constant demands for support, especially when the game is on. But until then and with that kind of support, we think she can only win. And we can only hope. You heard it here first.

"MY PLATFORM? WHO CARES? I'M NAKED! NOW VOTE FOR ME!!!"