"WHERE THE WHITE WOMEN AT???!!!"
This is the crazy broad that Kobe boned.
The crazed alleged rape victim and her hapless and unfucked suitor of the night. Though recent reports repudiate the authenticity of the above photo, we're sticking by the steadfast reputation for truth and accuracy that is the WorldWideWeb of lies.
Now once upon a fucking time I boned some broad and when my old lady busted me for it and I told the god’s honest truth—that the crazy broad forced me to do it—my old lady at the time laughed a laugh that still echoes through any interaction we ever have. In other words I wasn’t believed.
Me.
Vinnie.
A victim of RAPE and not single support group stumbled to my support. Not one call from any of them. But this young broad claims the nicest guy in the NBA fucking rapes her after she stalks him to his room and USA Today is ready to fucking castrate him. On top of that he then has to give his wife a $4 million ring as a make good. Fuck that.
Whatever happened to the man who said, “so what?”
Hunh? Wha? His name was MIKE TYSON and he went to jail?
Oh. Nevermind.
My advice to all professional athletes is this: leave NOTHING to chance. Contact the SKULLGAME SLUT SERVICE (SSS). We will have a slut to your hotel room in no time at all, no questions asked, no lawsuits and no messy magazine coverage. Just call SSS, Inc. at 650-714-4891 and we will do you right, right NOW.
HARD TO WRITE A BOOK WITH YOUR HANDS ON THE FLOOR
Yeah yeah yeah, she burned some people. Yeah yeah yeah “knowingly” possessing three or more of her pre-18 tapes constitutes child porn and will get you thrown in jail. Yeah yeah yeah her techno record will make you want to gouge your eyes out with a melon baller. WE JUST CAN’T FUCKING HELP IT: Traci Lords fucking SLAYS us. Like slays us. Like we get that low grade Pavlovian throb when even her name is even mentioned in earshot.
Check out that dude on the right. Recognize him? Yeah. That's "Not a Chance in the World." No fucking doubt about it.
And now she’s got a book out? Jay-zus Cheerist. Fuck her book. Could someone please tell her that we understand her deep-seated need to be taken seriously as an artist and that we want to fuck her a little bit? I mean TALK to her a little bit. Just a little bit. For like 30 seconds or something. Then we’ll roll over and get a sandwich. And hand her the phone so she can call a cab and shake it the fuck out of here. Yeahhhh….
CRAP, CRAP EVERYWHERE AND NOT A DROP TO EAT!!!
One of my single large and bulbous balls has more heft, social significance and artistic value than anything Jerry Bruckheimer has done in years. Wait. Make that EVER.
I AM A TALENT CHALLENGED HACK WHOSE BEST WORK DIED WITH DON SIMPSON. CAN YOU GUESS MY FUCKING NAME?
And now the jerk off who brought us such fine and gay film fare as Coyote Ugly, Flashdance, Kangaroo Jack and a whole lot of shit that I know all of you motherfuckers saw, but few will admit to, like Pearl Harbor, Armageddon, Days of Thunder and just a shitload of shit, shit, shit, has turned his attention to porn we’ve come to announce that it is officially ALL OVER NOW. Bruckheimer is doing a prime time network series that will cut the balls off of porn as surely as The Sopranos made the Mafia cute soap opera stars.
But I don’t say boycott it. I don’t say that we should do ANYTHING about it at all other than ignore it. I’m just saying that when all of your porn starts to look like Tom Cruise was either in it, made it, or approved of it; when Hollywood does its number on porn like it did on breakdancing, punk rock, The Mob and anything else that used to be even vaguely fucking cool; when the so-called mainstream porn is even MORE boring, dog-headed, anti-erotic and as likely to give you a hard-on as a tax audit, just remember that we fucking told you so.
Read it and weep.
Now I’m off to watch a JULES JORDAN feature and jerk myself off into a quiet slumber of remembrance of porn past when gods like AL GOLDSTEIN roamed the earth.
